American Idol finally comes to my home town and I miss the first half hour of the episode. No "live" blogging for that portion meaning less spontaneity but also fewer typos. So that's good.Well, even though last night's show was called the worst ever, I'm no quitter. So here's the recap of all of last night's American Idol auditions in L.A. Be afraid, be very afraid.
We could have suspected something was awry when they began the show with clips of the great singers who they have passed on to the next round and overwrought pronouncements of having found the greatest talent ever. What does that leave us with in Los Angeles? Oh, yes, talent running the gamut from mediocre to terrifyingly awful.
But, not content to limit auditions to the various sites around the country that already pull in tens of thousands of hopefuls, AI has finally moved into the digital age and accepted online submissions from even more wannabe contestants. I pity whatever group of college sophomores had to weigh through the over 16,000 auditions. I wonder how long it took them to go from coffee, to Red Bull to Adderall. Their next internship can be with Dr. Phil!
First up is Victoria Garrett and she is not lacking in confidence or smiles. But what she is missing is any resemblance of a singing voice. It was painfully bad "singing," and I was in the process of typing, as Randy said something similar, that she sounds like a wounded animal, adding that you would want to put out of its misery. And yours.
Next is Tim Halperin. He has a crush on Jennifer Lopez. Hey, dude, get in line. He's from Fort Worth and was smart to audition in LA since he might not have been noticed among the other contestants in Texas. But here, among the slim pickin's of talent, he's a superstar. He almost blows it by asking JLo her age and she doesn't give him the smack down he deserves for that flippancy and gives him a second chance.
The next up is Justin Carter and he is earnest if not ready for primetime, but he manages to get Jennifer her first bleep, a multiple bleep at that, so that's some contribution to AI lore. Unfortunately for Justin, that will be his only contribution as the producers don't even show us his kiss-off from the judges.
Next we have two friends, Daniel and Isaac, auditioning together. They've both dropped out of college, but apparently Isaac's mom doesn't know that yet. Surprise! Daniel Gomez is up first. See if you can get the class notes for what you missed and get back to school, immediately!! It's not no, it's never. Don't go to a karaoke bar, don't join in singing Happy Birthday, you'd even sound bad in the shower.
Now it's Isaac Rodriguez's turn. He claims to be singing Build Me up Buttercup, but I know the song, and that is not the melody. How do you find two, clueless, tone deaf people willing to risk it all on a profession they have zero chance for. Only in Hollywood, baby!
Day two of Hollywood has a disappointing sartorial choice for JLo. Ditch the scarf.
Karen Rodriguez was one of the MySpace auditioners and she's fine, nothing special, sorry. She sang for JLo on TRL years ago and JLo told her that she had a beautiful voice. So we can blame her for Karen sticking with it. She wants to be the first Latina American Idol. Then you better have more in your vocal arsenal than what I just heard. And stay away from the high notes.
The parade of the clueless and delusional continues with Tynisha Roches who tells us that she's had the pleasure of meeting other "artistses" (I think that's how one would spell that, if it were a word) and brings in her own microphone and randomly shouted "Ow!" sounds. She sings My Way. Then she continues singing after they tell her no, where's the hook? This bit goes on forever and it moves from annoying to pathological. Finally, security is called, and I feel safe again.
Now here's the rest of the post from last night:
When I finally plop down in front of the screen, I see Tynisha say good-bye to the judges. Apparently, it didn't go well. But she has this little piece of video to show her kids some day, prefaced by, "don't do this, kids."
Heidi Khzam tells us that she's a SuperWoman, as is JLo. I will agree with her on the latter, Jennifer Lopez is one glorious looking woman. Just breathtakingly beautiful. By the time I'm done rhapsodizing about the Lovely Miss Lopez, Heidi is being told she's going to Hollywood. What? I heard an average voice. But I was typing, not looking, so perhaps she has some other attributes that made up for her mediocre vocals?
Next is the world's longest, most unnecessary bad audition. None of the charm of William Hung or message of Larry Platt, Matt "Big Stats" Frankel raps, badly, and then sings, badly, while dressing, badly, without a hint of humor or purpose But what he lacks in talent and looks and relevance, he makes up for in holding the current title of the contestant with most annoying facial hair.
Can no one in LA sing? Is it the air? The lack of humidity? General malaise over the lack of a professional football team? Whatever it is, this smorgasbord of awfulness can't end too soon for me.
Wow, Ryan could figure out that if one of two brothers is the younger one, the other is the older one. So apparently bleach does not kill brain cells. Mark Gutierrez and Aaron Gutierrez go into the audition room together. They sing Lean on Me and it's a tad cheesy, the whole "brother" thing. But after the abysmal singing I've just sat through, it's like 2/3 of the three tenors. They have a lot of potential -- nice tone to their voices, the ability to harmonize and stay on key -- so hopefully they'll pick a less obvious song next round.
There is a huge build up to the last performer. So far, LA has been a complete, unmitigated dud. Will this last audition turn things around? Not a chance. The final contestant of the night came in looking like love child of Minnie Pearl and Little Richard. Cooper Robinson is apparently the mayor of Crazyville. And then an interminable amount of time is spent with this silly, annoying audition. He does one of the worst versions of James Brown's I Feel Good imaginable. There are only three words, and about as many notes - it's a hard song to mess up. Well, after all his gyrations on stage, Cooper is out of breath. Sadly, he regains his strength and continues stinking up my TV, then asks, how do you like me? I like you far, far away from my ears and eyes.
When we think we're finally through with him, there's more. You can't get rid of this guy. He gets about five minutes of screen time. And somewhere out there is a really good singer, who auditioned in LA after studying for years and honing their craft, who wasn't shown for even a fraction of the time this joker got. And that is sad.