Recapping Survivor San Juan Del Sur Episode 7: I Quit

How am I supposed to work under these conditions?  It's cold, it rained a week ago, my significant other isn't here and I'm out of trail mix.  And no one is telling me how pretty I am.  Why does everyone hate me just because I managed to sneak enough makeup onto the island to keep RuPaul happy?  Why do I have to watch other people be happy, what about me? Wahhhhhh.

Now that I'm done channeling the latest castaway to leave Survivor, "John Rocker's girlfriend" Julie McGee, let's look at what happened on last night's let down of a show.

Things started well enough, with the two tribes merging at twelve, having a feast which made Hunahpu's decision to forfeit their luxury items for rice even dumber.  Surprisingly, there was no clue to an immunity island stuffed in any of the buffs or underneath any of the food or, if there were, this group probably ate it.

After settling and and coming up with a creative new name for their tribe (insert eye roll).  Merging the two names together like they're coming up with a new showmance name may, and I'm going out on a limb here with the may, have been a cool idea once, long ago, but now it's just lazy.  What happened to creativity, like when Malcolm famously fooled his castmates on Survivor: Caramoan, telling them when he suggested a new tribe name of Enil Edam that it meant "new beginnings" when it was really his mom's name spelled backwards.

The survivors did some quick calculation and saw that there were four singles and four pairs.  Alec thought that meant there were eight people left, but everyone else grasped the math.  Keith, who had been odd man out on the Coyopa tribe, was reunited with his son Wes and was now in the majority.  Jeremy, who had been sitting pretty on Hunahpu, was now in the minority.  It would be very easy for the couples to eliminate the singles and then duke it out when it got down to the final eight.

Jeremy knew he had Missy and Baylor and that they would come back over to him, joining with Natalie and Julie. That was only five, so Jeremy immediately reconnected with Jon.  He warned him about how Josh is running things and that he and Reed had Alec and Wes and Keith.  If Jon and Jaclyn joined Jeremy's group, the seven could then vote to get rid of Josh, who is the biggest threat in the game.  Jeremy easily locked up Jon,

Jeremy was right to target Josh, because the only person playing harder than Jeremy this season is Josh.  He pulled Wes and Keith over to join Josh, Reed and Alec.  That was only five, so he went to his former ally Baylor and asked her to bring her two votes over to get rid of Jeremy.  Baylor was all for that - despite the fact that Josh had voted against her, despite the fact that Josh had lied/withheld information from her and despite the fact that she had already told us in a confessional that she couldn't trust Josh any more, he easily charmed her right back into his web.

When Baylor told her mom her intention of joining up with Josh's group against Jeremy, Missy shut that down.  Just because she's been married and divorced three times doesn't mean that her choices are in any way suspect or that Baylor shouldn't follow her decisions blindly. She's the mom and she knows best.

But have no fear, Josh fans.  All is not lost.  He doesn't need Missy and Baylor, if he can pull in Jon and Jaclyn.   Sure, Jon was allied with Jeremy since the start.  Sure they reconnected immediately following the merge.  Sure, Jon agreed to join Jeremy and vote off Josh. But all you have to do is wave something shiny in front of Jon and his memory is wiped clean.  He's then susceptible to whoever speaks to him next.  So Josh and Reed do that, and within seemingly seconds, Jon flips and flops his way over to Team Josh.

Meanwhile, the post-feast satisfaction is starting to wear off and people are looking for scraps and suddenly someone remembers that there was leftover trail mix.  Julie is sitting off away from the tribe, munching on some dried apricot, as she says in her confessional that she grabbed the trail mix and put it in her bag and possession is 9/10th of the law and hiding something so no one knows you have it is the other 1/10th so she's going to keep it for herself.

Only the rest of the tribe goes CSI: Huyopa and start to figure out the missing food must be in someone's bag and after eliminating all the other options of where it could be they zero in on Julie's bag.  Lo and behold, what do they find?  Not lipstick, eyeliner, a hair straightener, blush, conditioner, an eyelash curler, and tweezers, nope it's the missing trail mix.   Instead of getting a lynch squad to go after Julie, they scoop out all the munchable goodness from her bag and have a mini feast in her absence.

Julie comes back to the camp and she realizes that they discovered her stash (possibly it was their askance looks, possibly it was the fact everyone had nut breath, or maybe it was the fact that Alec actually mentioned trail mix out loud in front of her).  But whatever it was, Julie knows she's in trouble big time.

But first, it's time for the Immunity Challenge and it is not one that necessarily favors one gender over another.  It requires balance and strength and concentration and the most surprising thing other than old man Keith winning is that Jeremy went out first.  As he noted in the post-challenge confessional, it wasn't just that he went out first, but who outlasted him.  Julie, for goodness sake.  Julie. That hurt the most.

Keith, who had earlier forgotten it was his son Wes' birthday, was head to head against his son at the end and, with the chance to make that up to him he, like a good dad...held on and whooped his kid. Yep, no throwing the challenge to your son whose birthday you forgot and who doesn't have a hidden immunity idol.  Keith is playing to win.

It's scramble time and without immunity, and not knowing whether Baylor can get Missy to come over, Josh has some work to do.  He and Reed focus on getting one, if not both, of the other duos over to their side.  Reed strikes the right note by warning Jon that Jeremy is targeting the pairs.  Baylor also is softened up by Josh and it's possible she may convince her mom to vote against Jeremy.

Things are looking bleak for Jeremy.  He won't be able to go back to the firehouse having lost the first immunity challenge to an old man, a mom, and John Rocker's girlfriend.  He then makes the #1 mistake on Survivor, telling the camera that even though he doens't have immunity he feels pretty good about his alliance and is sure that Josh is going home.

At this point I'm getting ready to say goodbye to my favorite player this year, Jeremy, and tip my hat to my new favorite, Josh, who will now coast to victory.  Only, Julie has something to say about all of this.

She's tired, hungry, she misses "her boyfriend John Rocker," and what's worse, no one likes her.  No one ever likes her because she's pretty. Even sunburned, without any facial products or a professional blowout, they still don't like her because she's pretty. She's on the outs and probably the next one to go home, all because she's pretty.  And maybe because of the whole laziness/trail mix stealing thing.  But mostly, because of the pretty.

Missy tries to talk her into staying, but fails to appreciate what buttons need pushing.  Tell Julie that she wants to show everyone how strong she is, how capable she is, how more than two boobs and a pretty face she is. Tell Julie that "her boyfriend John" will love her more, put a ring on it, if she hangs in there. Tell her no one wants to date a quitter, even if they made the merge.  Nope, Missy tells her, basically, that if she quits, she's hurting Missy's game.

Surprisingly, that doesn't change Julie's mind.

Jeff comes over and tries to talk her into staying.  He does almost as piss poor a job as Missy.  He doesn't get incensed, doesn't insult her, doesn't tell her she'll be dead to him, dead to the Survivor family and a complete embarrassment as a human being.  He gives here a lukewarm scolding then, pretty quickly, accepts her decision to quit the game.

He then goes to tell the Huyopa tribe the good/bad news.  The good news is there's one less mouth to feed, Julie can rush back into "her boyfriend John's" open arms, and they won't have to help her through any rainy days or Mondays, which always get her down.  The bad news...there is none!  Because no one had Julie in their Survivor pool and no one is threatening not to watch any more if she is gone.

Jeremy thinks this is bad news for him, not realizing he was about to get his torch snuffed.  Josh realizes that it's not the best news for him, since he was well positioned to get rid of his biggest threat, but at least there is one less single and it now only takes six votes, not seven, to win the next tribal vote.  So he and his fellow successful Broadway star should be able to get rid of that pesky firefighter next time around.  Assuming, Jeremy doesn't figure out how to win an immunity challenge next time around, or at least beat the old guy and the mom.

Quotes:  
Jon (referencing the famous Kat quote from BvW 1): We can still date each other, we made it to the merge.

Jeremy: I was out before Julie.  I was out before Julie.

Jon (about Julie):  She's selfish and she's awful.

Confessionals:

Keith (4)
Jeremy (4)
Jaclyn (2)
Reed
Jon (4)
Julie (5)
Wes (2)
Josh (8)
Baylor
Missy (2)

Recapping Survivor San Juan Del Sur Episode 6: Let's Make a Deal

Where's Monty Hall when you need him?  Everyone was wheeling and dealing on Survivor San Juan Del Sur this week.  Reed, on behalf of the Hunahpu tribe, tried to make a deal for some more rice while Dale, on Coyopa, tried to make a deal with Jon for his vote.  Neither negotiation went particularly well, but they both at least gave some life to an otherwise pretty dull episode.

Jeff Probst schooled Reed on the keys to good negotiating - come from a position of strength.  Jeff had what they wanted - a bag bursting with rice - they had nothing that Jeff wanted.  Remember, his life is fine.  So in the end, Jeff was able to completely gut the Hunahpu tribe, taking almost everything  they had - their hammock, their tarp, their blankets, everything that kept them dry and comfortable (which sounds like a Pampers commercial) - in return for continued survival.  As if the producers wouldn't have discretely snuck some food in for them had they just kept their mouths shut!

The Hero Arena challenge was a race with a twist, the racers are blindfolded and have to run through a maze, study a mask, grab puzzle pieces, run them to another station and reassemble the mask from memory.  Reed volunteers for Hunahpu and Baylor volunteers for Coyopa.  Kudos to the two for putting themselves on the line, bigger kudos to Reed for pulling out the win. The challenge designers got what they wanted when the both racers continued to bash their heads as they ran through the maze and the cameramen made sure we didn't miss one painful headshot.  Reed and Baylor had different strategies - he studied the mask on each pass, Baylor ran through the maze then studied the mask once at the end.  Reed's strategy was the more successful as he made only one small misstep as he put his puzzle together, but fixed it quickly and gave Hunahpu its 300th win this season.

Remember in the confessional when Jeremy said Reed was being premature panicking about the lack of rice?  That he should "suck it up" because they might get a food reward challenge?  So you knew what Jeff was going to show in answer to the "wanna know what you're playing for?"  It would have been funnier to see a gigantic bag of rice, identical to the one Hunahpu just traded everything worth living for, but instead it was huge skewers of meat and veggies.  Enough food to make one forget all about any member of the grain family.  And you knew that Hunahpu would be the ones to win it.

But not everyone from Hunahpu will get to share in the feast.  Reed gets a chance to make an enemy for life by sending someone from his tribe to Exile Island.  He settles quickly on Julie, giving some BS reason about how this will help her show her boyfriend John how strong she is, but then Natalie volunteers.  Great move and great timing.  Reed has still made an enemy as Julie will not soon forget that he picked her to miss out on all that succulent meat and Natalie has now made a friend in Julie and also has a chance to connect on Exile Island with Missy's daughter Baylor.  A very good strategy, unless someone realizes just how smart Natalie is and what a strategic game she's playing.  It's a fine line and one she has to be very careful skating on. 

Earlier in the day, Dale showed Jon the little medallion that he'd found the first day and tried to convince him that it was a hidden immunity idol.  Jon seemed to believe him - yet his instinct is to immediately run and tell Missy and not use the information for his own benefit.  I guess when God gives you good looks, he figures you don't need anything more than that to get through life.  But in Jon's case being so dumb that you believe that little trinket is an idol AND still don't use that knowledge to switch your allegiance ends up being the right move.  And that's where we get the phrase dumb luck. 

Jeremy is noticing that Josh and Reed are committing the cardinal sin of Blood v. Water - rubbing your tribemates' collective noses in the fact that your loved one is still there and theirs isn't.  The guys are hugging and kissing and "walking around like they own the place" when everyone else on their tribe has either seen their loved one go home, or is at least separated from them by a beach.  He correctly notes that their togetherness is a threat.  But since Hunahpu never loses a challenge, they needn't worry.

Remember in the confessional when Julie said this was not a great trade because they were losing their tarp and what would happen if it rained?  So you knew that the skies soon would open up and pour down on the hapless Hunahpu tribe so they could freeze and shiver and regret their decision long into the cold cold night.  Julie is wet and cold and miserable and it looked like we will be having the first quit of the season, which is worrying Jeremy to no end as he knows Surivor is a numbers game and right now she's a number for him.  He needs her to stick around, at least until the merge, at least before his torch is snuffed.  He gets his wish as the sun comes up and Julie is still there.

We don't see anything from Exile Island but I imagine that Natalie and Baylor did a better job coping by themselves with nothing to protect them against the elements than Julie did elevated off the ground and surrounded by tribemates, the heat from the barbecue, and her stylish hoodie.

The immunity challenge was a combined physical/mental challenge and Coyopa was in the lead, first to the puzzle component, thanks to some excellent bag-swinging rhythm by Jon.  Jeremy could not get the timing down on how to unlock the bags of puzzle pieces and Wes had to sub in.  Halfway through putting the puzzle together, Jon let being in the lead go to his head, shouting, "Who's Big Jon now?"  Well, the Survivor Karma gods had one quick answer, not you!  Suddenly, Josh and Reed, aka the dynamic puzzle duo, fly through their part of the challenge and quickly retake the lead as Coyopa reverts to the norm and falls apart.

Hunahpu wins!  If that was the drinking game phrase, you'd never have to worry about being sober during Survivor.  The tribe that never loses* go off to celebrate and Coyopa has to decide which of the remaining old guys will be voted off.  Dale tries to plead his case, saying how tonight's vote will be hard because they're voting out someone's loved one - a clever ploy to refocus attention away from him, the only one who does not have a loved one still in the game.  Will it work?

Not so much.  Dale tries to make a deal with Jon - if he votes to keep Dale, Dale will give him the immunity idol.  Considering Jon believes Dale to have a real, genuine, 100% certified, Jeff Probst approved immunity idol, it seems like a no brainer.  Even Jon seems to recognize it's an easy choice. Vote out Missy, get the idol, and go into the merge stronger.  But he also thinks that he'll be best positioned after the merge if he is in a strong four person alliance. Jon's head is hurting trying to sort out his two options, but he sums up how he handles the decision-making process thusly: "You can't get ung up on small details."

So after much discussion at Tribal Council, with even the howler monkeys weighing in, two things became clear.  Jon is closely allied with Missy and he will do whatever she wants.  Missy wants Dale gone; so Dale is gone.  The only interesting thing to come from Tribal Council is the fact that Keith was smart enough not to play his real immunity idol and that Jon and Jaclyn split their votes, leaving all the power in Missy and her daughter Baylor's hands. 

If the merge happens next week, there will be four pairs remaining - Josh/Reed, Missy/Baylor, Keith/Wes and Jon/Jaclyn - and four singles - Jeremy, Natalie, Julie, Alec.  It takes 7 votes to win next week, so the pairs could take out the singles one by one.  But maybe Keith and Wes will partner up with Jeremy (Firemen R Us), Jeremy will bring in Natalie, Julie and Alec. Unfortunately for Jeremy, that's only six.  They'll have to get one of the remaining pairs (Alec will want Josh/Reed, Natalie will want Missy/Jon) to join them to vote out one of the remaining pairs.

Quotes:
Dale (not envisioning a 3-way vote): "I'm not dead til I see my name written four times."

Jeff (aka Captain Obvious):  "There has never been a tribe in the history of Survivor that has needed as much help as you guys have and only fourteen days in.”

Alec (sounding like Hannibal Lecter): "I'm a meat collector."

Dale (trying to plant a subliminal message): "What happens tonight hurts more than this. I mean, we have all suffered losses at different times, but this is a loss with somebody’s loved one is going home”

Missy (showing basic understanding of Survivor): "Better Keith than me.  And Baylor."

Confessionals:
Dale (4)
Jon (3)
Jeremy (5)
Reed
Julie (2)
Missy (3)
Natalie
Josh
Alec
Keith


*unintentionally

Survivor San Juan Del Sur Blood V. Water 2, Episode 4: Who's the dumbest of them all?

I have watched every episode of Survivor since Richard Hatch sat on a tree branch and proclaimed Season 1, Episode 1 that they should make out the million dollar check to him right then.  That season we saw the birth of Survivor strategy with the creation of voting alliances, the use of deceit and misdirection, and the manipulation of people based on personality traits and interpersonal relationships.  It's what made the show so delicious to watch.  Last night, we saw some of the worst Survivor play in the history of the show.  And, still, the episode served up another tasty treat and by the end, when Drew Christy got his karmic comeuppance for his multitude of mistakes, I cheered.

The episode began with the Coyopa tribe celebrating the end of the John Rocker era.  Baylor Wilson, who had once again had votes cast against her at tribal but lived to see another day, was the most relieved and quickly pegged Dale Wentworth as the new low man on the totem pole.  Dale, who was the only one not to know about the plan to blindside John, realized that he took being in a dominant all-guy alliance for granted and better work on his social game.  This is the theme for tonight folks, on Survivor do not take anything for granted.

Back on the winner's beach, all is good.  They have the new flint and, looky here, there's the old flint.  Well, gosh darn, they didn't lose it after all (Jon Misch points out, that means he didn't lose it after all)!  But it also means that they gave up fishing great for nothing.  That's so funny!  Okay, maybe not to them.  And certainly not to Drew who is the greatest angler the world has ever seen and would have fished the area dry by now if only he had a snorkel.  But Drew has a masterplan, one of many.  He will charm Jeff Probst into exchanging the extra flint for the fishing gear and also get him to throw in a grill, some paella and a nice Merlot to go with it.

"That's what a good leader does," "without me these people would be nothing."   So says Drew the Delusional as he makes sure to let us know that he's running the successful Hunahpu tribe and he doesn't have to listen to the little people, he'll let them know what's what.  Boy, life with Drew as your older brother must have been a blast, right Alec?

At Heroes Arena Julie McGee and the Hunahpu tribe see that Coyopa took their (primarily Natalie Anderson's) advice and voted off Julie's boyfriend John.  Hunahpu keeps it classy by clapping and celebrating while Julie tries not to show any emotion.  You almost feel sorry for her, and then you reember she chose to date John Rocker and you get over it.  Then Drew interrupts Jeff to try and barter a new, never-struck flint for some of the long gone fishing gear and Jeff strings him along for shits and giggles before letting him know the answer is not no but never. 

The actual loved-ones duel pits Jon against Jaclyn Schultz and it's close, but Jon gets the win and the honot of sending his girlfriend to Exile Island.  He also gets to pick someone from his tribe to go with her and wanting to protect his grilfriend and make sure she's safe and comfoted of course he sneds...DREW???  "I trust Drew, he pulls his weight (unless he's napping)," says Jon to explain his choice and I can think of seven other people who would have made a better choice.  Even Jon must realize how dumb that was as he later quips that, knowing Drew, he bets Jaclyn is doing most of the work!

Meanwhile, Alec Christy asks, after his team's 87th straight loss, "Are we going to be the worst tribe in survivor history?"  Well, maybe, but your brother has a different idea!  But first, Drew, the ladies' man, is out to strategize and manipulate minds on his way to be the greatest Survivor player ever.  His first brilliant plan is to throw the next challenge, to get rid of the "snakes" on his team.  And, he's goig to tell someone on the other tribe his plan. 

.Back on Hunahpu, Keith Nale is looking for the immunity idol.  When he doens't find it, he decides that Jeremy Collins probably aflreay found it as he also had the clue to the idol's location.  So what does he do, thinking his Firefighters R Us alliance member Jeremy has the idol?  Does he go to him and ask him?  Does he keep the knowledge to himself?  Or does he BLAB TO EVERYONE ELSE ON THE TRIBE?  Pick the dumbest answer and you'll be right.

Reed tells Jeremy that his buddy Keith just dropped a dime on him and now Jeremy is out for blood and making sure everyone knows that Keith cannot be trusted.  Keith is so dumb, I'd sit and marvel at his stupidity but there's no time, because now Jeremy wants to take the title of dumbest player by telling his fellow tribemates how disappointed he is at Keith BECAUSE HE HAD HIS BACK.  You know, your fellow tribemates (especially the girls who thought you were in an alliance with them) do not need to know you had a secret two person alliance with Ketih.  Keith redeems himself by going back to check again for the immunity idol, which he finds when it literally jumps up at him, and by not blabbing about having it.

Baylor and Alec have a tense relationship.  He feels bossed around by his brother Drew, so the last thing he wants is to feel inferior to Baylor.  But she manages to push all the same buttons and where, in past seasons, their bickering would look like a precursor to some showmance, this looks like it'll need a visit by Dr. Phil very soon. 

The immunity challenge involves running, swimming, fetching, retrieving and tossing and the Hunahpu tribe sits out three of its stronger players.  Despite this, Hunahpu is still in it when it's time for the tossers to land five rings on their pegs.  That's where Operation Throw the Challenge comes into play as Drew makes sure he's the only one throwing rings for his team and he throws as well as Ray Charles plays darts.  Coyopa "wins" their first immunity challenge and they believe that hard work, positive thinking, the absence of a negative influence like John and god's love all meshed to give them their first victory.  Jaclyn knows the real reason, but she's not letting on as her tribemates go off feeling good for the first time all season.

The kingpin of his tribe Drew is happy that things are going just the way he planned.  Jon, the other alpha male on the tribe, has Julie in his sights.  She's not in the guys' alliance, she doesn't have a loved one still in the game (like Keith, Jon, and Drew) and she's a threat.  She should be the next to g... Hold that thought, says Drew "Kanye" Christy.  Imma let you finish...actually I'm not.  Drew has a better idea and it can't wait.  Kelley Wentworth, that's their next target.  He does not want to hear what Jon has to say, Drew knows who's next and that should be the end of the discussion.

Jeremy, the third alpha male on the tribe, is gunning for Keith.  He is furious with Keith for turning his back on their alliance, for being shady and untrustworthy.  He should be the next to g... Now it's Drew's turn to interrupt Jeremy.  Drew has a better idea...Kelley.  She's the biggest threat, she should be their next target, blah blah blah. You have to hand it to Drew, when he gets something in his head, he does not let it go.

Natalie, who is playing a great game without her twinnie around, goes to tell Missy about Drew's plan.  It somehow never occurred to Drew that if Kelley is the head of this deadly all-girls alliance, that maybe he shouldn't be talking smack about her in front of the other girls!  Natalie realizes that the guys are splintered and that Drew would have nothing to fear from the girls if he had basic math skills.  If the guys agree on a common target, their five votes are enough to carry the vote.  But if the guys do not work together, then a four-strong girl alliance might be enough.  So she and Missy focus on which of the guys is the biggest physical threat after merge and decide to target him.

Drew is so convinced that things will go his way that he talks about his plan to get rid of Kelley IN FRONT OF KELLEY.  "Let's get Kelley out tonight and then all these bitches will come to us," Mr. Sensitive says, loudly, at camp.  He obviously thinks the girls post-show will be swarming the guy who calls women bitches and this is just the tip of his delusional iceberg.  He also thinks that telling someone they are the target will not lead them to do anything, that saying you are the head honcho makes it true, and that hubris makes you bullet proof.  

Natalie goes to Jeremy with the plan to get rid of Drew.  Jeremy is not adverse to the idea of getting rid of the "moron," (query, if we all agree with the insult, even if not PC, do I still have to put it in quotes?) although it does make him nervous. .But with every utterance from Drew it makes keeping him around more of a liability.  Even his friend Jon calls him a jackass. 

At tribal council, we quickly learn that this is a highly-splintered group.  Jon and Drew are tight, but it's not good when your friendship has you pegged early as a strong alliance.  The tribe has "too many chiefs, not enough Indians" and half the tribe is lazy as hell.  As Jeff continues with his questions, the tribe keeps their answers pretty vague until Jeremy decides to lay his cards out.  He tells Jeff - and his fellow tribemates - that he felt betrayed by Keith WHO HE WAS IN AN ALLIANCE WITH.  Now, this may have surprised the girls who Jeremy had formed alliances with on Day One and also surprised the other guys who thought they were all on equal footing.  But mostly it surprised all of us who  knew Jeremy is a super fan who's been trying to get on the show forever.  How did he not know to keep his mouth shut about this alliance?

Somehow, though, Jeremy comes out of this mess in pretty good shape as Natalie comes to his defense against Keith and Jeff, while rolling his eyes, does not call Jeremy out on his strategic blunder.  Keith, shows himself to be a neophyte at the game, not realize that sub-alliances are a thing on a show that is in its 29th season.  Drew says that he's heard a lot of names being tossed around at camp including Keith and Julie, but he has his eyes on another "bad energy" in the tribe.  Coincidentally, so does Kelley, only she points out that not everyone is agreed on who might that bad seed be.  Natalie the Captain Obvious for tonight's show tells Jeff that the tribe is "scatterbrained" and that a few stray votes can change everything.  And with that hammer of foreshadowing still echoing in our ears, it's time for a vote. 

"We're a hot mess," says Natalie.  Jeff chimes in that it's about to get a lot messier, and it does in for the first time in I don't know how long, there are four separate players - Julie, Kelley, Keith and Drew - each getting at least one vote.  With the girls, plus Jeremy, joining forces it's Drew who is the fourth person kicked out of Survivor San Juan Del Sur Blood Versus Water 2.  As much rejoicing as there will be among the girls, especially Kelley, to be rid of the deranged Drew, how happy will Alec be that he outlasted his older brother?  Should make Thanksgiving dinner a little more interesting - Drew, who gets the biggest slice of pumpkin pie now, bitch?

Next week it's "drop your buffs" time and there'll be a mixing of the two teams.  Will we finally get a Reed confessional?  Will we finally get the rain that's been threatening?  Will the cameraman stop beating us over the head with shots of snakes slithering around the island?  Will another immunity idol be buried back at Coyopa's camp?  Come back next week to find out.

Confessionals:
Baylor
Dale
Drew
Kelley
Drew
Alec
Drew
Jon
Julie
Drew
Jaclyn
Drew
Keith
Jeremy
Baylor
Alec
Jeremy
Natalie

Survivor San Juan Del Sur: Blood v. Water - First Impressions, first boot

Survivor is back for its twenty-ninth season and showing no signs of slowing down.  Right out of the gate, Survivor: San Juan Del Sur Blood v. Water gave us not only the longest title in the series’ history, but an eclectic cast, new twists and enough cringe-worthy moments to be one of the best first episodes in a long time.  From bedimpled host Jeff Probst yelling at one contestant as if she needed to rescue an infant from an avalanche (“Dig, woman!") to a former The Amazing Race alumna repeatedly uttering a homophobic stereotype that would make fellow contestant John Rocker uncomfortable, there was no shortage of drama.   

The episode began with introductions and as this year the eighteen contestants were paired up, we met each couple on a “Day 0” where their goal was to make fire and not make a horrible first impression on the audience.  Some succeeded better than others.  This year’s Barbie and Ken, Jaclyn Scultz and her boyfriend Jon Misch, aka, “Don’t hate us ‘cause we’re beautiful” started out rough.  Telling us the college football hero is dating the beauty queen is not a recipe for developing rapport with the audience, and blinding us with her breasts and his abs and calling yourselves perfect failed to help their cause.  

Former MLB relief pitcher John Rocker came into the game with his own baggage, a decades-old reputation for a serious case of foot-in-mouth disease.  The hate speech-spewing former Atlanta Brave (among other teams) addressed his bad guy image and promised that he was not the bigot we heard from way back when, while his girlfriend Julie McGee addressed her ample bosom and promised that she was not the siliconed sexpot she appeared to be.  While John did a fair job chipping away at his tarnished image, all Julie accomplished was defying gravity and confounding the rules of physics by literally “standing on her own two feet” the entire episode.

It seemed like we wouldn’t get much time with Baylor Wilson and her lookalike mom Missy Payne with all the monkeys gathering overhead, but the two made it to the next day without being eaten.  Their story is that Missy is not a great judge of husbands and Baylor will forgive her because she gave her great genes.  Drew and Alec Christy are also hard to tell apart, siblings with flouncy surfer dude hair and a watered-down Vytas/Aras rivalry. We also met the farmer, Dale Wentworth, and the farmer’s daughter, Kelley, who seem conflict-free until you hear that they didn’t speak for many years.  They are hoping Survivor brings them closer together and even Russell Hantz would have to be rooting for them to accomplish that.

The next couple are Survivor superfans Reed and Josh, both Broadway performers. Hearing Josh Canfield say that boyfriend Reed Kelly once gave him flint as a present and knowing that Reed has survived being Spiderman on stage, which has proved riskier than anything the jungles of Nicaragua will throw at them, makes them my early picks to go very far.  Police officer Val Collins and her husband firefighter Jeremy also make a strong first impression, with her bossing her tall, athletic husband around while wearing her Boston Strong tee.  There is a rivalry there that should be interesting to see play out.

In the middle of the intros, I have a PTSD-style flashback to The Amazing Race where the twinnies, Nadiya and Natalie Anderson, are on my screen and sniping at each other and finishing each other’s…sandwiches…and then I remember that they are here, on my favorite Reality TV show, and I will just have to deal with it.  Until someone creates an app to remove them from whatever show they’ve managed to nag and whine their way onto.   

Next is the obligatory “why don’t we have captions for them” pair of Louisiana firefighters, father and son Keith and Wes Nale.  God love them, that is one hard accent to follow at my advanced age.  They immediately break all stereotypes of southern outdoorsy men by sucking at making a fire.  Kudos, trailblazers, break down those barriers.  I hope they go far, or at least Keith, he of the great soundbites: “You’re about as mentally strong as that rock.” 

With the initial impressions out of the way, it’s time to bring the players together and then break them off into two teams whose names we will never learn and instead default to calling them by buff color.  So we have the yellow and the blue teams meeting for the first time at Hero’s Arena, formerly the site of the Redemption Island battles.  Hallelujah, huzzah, and hurrah, there will be no Redemption Island this year and when Jeff snuffs your torch is stays snuffed.  Instead, Exile Island is back from…exile?  Having last been used in Survivor: Tocatins, it will be interesting to see how the Blood v. Water twist affects the dynamics and strategy of Exile Island.  

The first surprise of the season was the lack of duplicity.  Jeff asks the assembled players about their first night on the island and their success with the flint, and no one lied?  What show are they on?  You either lie and say you made fire, to look like an asset to your future team, or you lie about not making fire to hide your strength.  But telling people the truth, it’s like I don’t even know you people.

Once the two tribes are formed, some find it hard to separate their relationships from the game, others say bring it on.  Jeremy in particular is struggling with playing against the love of his life; his wife Val looks like she doesn’t even recognize him as the father of her two children.  Someone is in game mode! Yet it’s Jeremy who ends up trouncing Val in the first luxury duel of the season (despite Jeff's shouting at her to "dig deep, woman!"), sending her to Exile Island in the process.  He does, however, make a savvy move in sending Keith to accompany her.  An older, outdoorsy, not terribly attractive guy is always an ideal candidate for two secluded nights on an island with your wife.

Less savvy was Jeremy’s early alliance building. While alliances are the backbone of the show, you can play too hard too early and without all the information you really need, so his paternalistic approach to bringing all the women in under his protection may not prove successful in the long run.  But he certainly wins for fastest alliance as he brings Kelley, Natalie, and Missy onto his side, humbly and not at all sexistly telling us that all the girls want to hang with the prom king.  Honorable mention in this segment to the thrice-divorced Missy talking about trusting her gut instincts when it comes to men and the cameraman taping her not busting out into raucous laughter..

While the focus on the blue team is in forming bonds, the yellow team is working on their shelter and trying to start a fire.  There are three super young kids – Alec, Baylor and Wes – the late twenty-early thirties group (who would be the Geritol set on this year’s Big Brother) and one actually old person. Dale, at 62, is by far the senior member of the tribe and he’s instantly on the outs due to his age and his lack of experience hanging with large groups. But he makes a statement by breaking his reading glasses in half, stacking one lens atop the other, and using them to start a fire, moving from gramps to bad ass.

The Delusional Castaway award goes to Drew who thinks he’s recognizable because he did some modeling and who thinks his efforts at “levitating” a shelter will make him the alpha male in a tribe that boasts two firemen, a former college football star and the girlfriend of a ex-big league player.  No one is impressed with your construction skills, Spicoli.  Runner up is John Rocker who thought he could go incognito at over seven feet tall and with that John Rocker-ish face.  It takes no time at all for the Louisiana duo to recognize and out him.

After taking an instant dislike to pretty-boy Jon, I’m sucker punched with the story that his father was recently diagnosed with an incurable tumor and I now feel like the worst person ever and want only good things for him from here on out.  I should have listened to the twinnies warn about judging books by their covers, but I’ve been trained after two TARs not to listen to anything they say.  

The first immunity challenge is a combination of teamwork, strength, and smarts and ultimately the team better at figuring out the complicated puzzle comes out on top.  Nerds around the world, rejoice!  Still, it was impressive seeing the sheer determination and physicality of the losing yellow team as they grabbed and threw players up and over the obstacle like rag dolls and it is more likely that the weaker ones will still be blamed for the loss. 

Scrambling before the first visit to tribal council should involve just one strategy, the infamous "anyone but me" that brought Sandra Diaz two Survivor victories.  Your goal should be to lay low, deflect attention and find any excuse to target anyone but you.  So what does Nadiya manage to do?  She draws attention to herself and paints herself as an easy target.  There was Dale, all old and not fitting in and did I mention old and he would have been the most likely first victim.  Even Val had problems going in as she had spent days away from her tribe, potentially bonding with someone from the other team while not having the chance to build a relationship with her tribe.  

So all Nadiya had to do was keep her mouth shut...who am I kidding?  She wouldn't have been cast for a third stint on a Reality TV show if she could control her tongue.  So she starts talking, mistake number one.  But then she says that she wants to join with Josh because, as a gay man, he's just like one of the girls. She says that not once, but three separate times.  

Meanwhile, Dale has figured out that he's the low man on the totem pole so he can't just sit back and watch what happens.  He needs to give his teammates another name to consider and he just happens to stumble across the perfect person.  Nadiya.  He reminds them of her cut throat gameplay on the Amazing Race and that is enough to give the guys a reason to focus on someone.  Still, she's more physically fit than Dale and less of a liability to their game and should withstand this attack, as long as she can keep her... well, you know..

Baylor had taken Josh aside earlier in the day and told him that she wanted to vote with him in a secret side alliance.  She tells him that the girls want Dale out, he knows that the guys want to vote out Nadiya and as a Survivor superfan he knows not to give a soundbite that says as the swing vote he's in the best position because that is the last quote from you they'll use just before your blindside.  So we get to tribal and it's clearly between the old guy and the twin and it looks like it's up to Josh who will go.  

We're reminded that tribal council may be a set, but it is in an actual jungle and not the CBS lot when the usually unflappable Jeff clearly flinches at the sounds the neighborhood monkeys are making as they plan their attack. But he quickly regroups and starts grilling the tribe on their first three days.  Val feels on the outs because of her stint on Exile Island, Dale reminds everyone that he made fire, saved the day, rescued puppies, brought forth life and saved them from extinction, and Nadiya discusses how they're one big happy family.  Notice Josh wince when he hears that. 

After some prodding, Wes spills that there is a tight three guy alliance, that because of his age Dale is not it in, and that Josh has a unique position as the best liked person in the tribe.  As he goes on to describe how adept Josh is at empathizing and sympathizing, Nadiya chimes in her agreement.  But then she has to add that Josh is so good at this because he's just one of the girls.  When Jeff either 1) tries to give her an out or 2) gives her a bigger shovel so she can dig herself a deeper hole by asking her if she's saying this because Josh is gay, Nadiya says yes!  She wouldn't call any of the straight guys "girlfriend."  And John Rocker says a special prayer to the PR gods in the sky thanking them for giving him the chance not to look like the most bigoted person this season.

The castaways go vote, Jeff "tallies," and Nadiya is sent packing.  The only mystery remaining is who voted for poor Baylor?  She was on no one's radar and didn't seem to do anything wrong.  During the credits, we see that it was Josh!  Baylor had broken with the girl's alliance and voted for Nadiya (no doubt as Josh told her to), but then he switched his vote.  Next week we'll see if there's any blowback from the wonky vote, whether there was any strategy behind it, and how the alliances look after the vote.  But by far the most emotional moment will be when Natalie learns that her twinnie is gone and that they'll be apart for the longest time in their lives if she makes it to the end.  Will she want to continue without her sister, who will finish her sandwiches in her sister's absence, and will John fill the bigot vacuum?  Tune in next time for Survivor.