Recapping Survivor San Juan Del Sur, Episode 12: Revenge is a dish best served ice cold

Cat while canary learns it's about to be eaten

Do not get on Natalie's bad side.  That girl can hold a grudge as long as she can hold a vase, which turns out to be just long enough to get what she has wanted for a long, long time.  Her desire for karmic payback, retribution, revenge can give her otherworldly powers, including the ability to defy the elements and get them to bend in her direction.  Jon lost that challenge thanks to a gust of wind which Natalie seemingly summoned out of nowhere to strike only his vase, leaving hers untouched.  Meanwhile, Natalie stood stone-like, immutable -- despite having just been on Exile Island for two days with almost no food and certainly no comfort -- and willed herself to win a strength and balance challenge against the perfect physical specimen that is Jon Misch.

Oh, Drew, you had it so wrong.  Natalie Anderson is this season's bad ass.

But not only does she posses powers over her physical environment, Natalie also can also exercise mind control, convincing those around her of whatever narrative she chooses.  After Jeremy's blindside, she told us that she was furious and would avenge him, but Jaclyn and Jon had absolutely no idea she was upset or held any ill will towards them.  After Jon won immunity, ruining her chance to vote him out last time, she hugged him and congratulated him and he had absolutely no idea she was still plotting his demise.  And after she switched her vote, saving Keith, she convinced Jon and Jaclyn that it was a simple mistake, and they had absolutely no idea that it was all part of her devious plan.

Or maybe that isn't a superpower so much as recognizing how dumb and gullible Jon is and playing right into it.  Either way, it's a winning strategy.  Natalie, both figuratively and for one night literally, laid down with the enemy and they had no clue she was there, plotting their demise.  Even after potentially tipping her hand at Tribal Council by voting for Alec, Natalie was still able to deflect all negative attention and bury whatever red flags were raised by feigning stupidity and cluelessness.  Basically, she pretended she was Jon.  And he fell for it.

With everything smoothed over from the night before, it was time for the reward challenge.  I watched a "behind the scenes" video on CBS.com and saw that the reward challenge was designed by a young fan of the show, Austin, as his "Make a Wish."  He even got to go on location to see his challenge be designed.  It was very cool and you can check it out here.   I don't know if part of his wish was to hobble Missy, but that was what ended up happening, as she came down hard on her ankle during the teeter-totter part of the challenge.

But despite her injury, and her team being behind throughout the challenge, she, Jon and Keith were able to solve the puzzle part of the challenge the fastest and won the spa treatment package.  Jaclyn, proving herself to be a good loser and concerned about Jon's well being, could not let Jon enjoy the victory for a single second.  As Jon was celebrating with his team, and talking about how a trip to the spa would help Missy (the 47-year-old mom who just severely injured herself) feel better, Jaclyn started the eye rolling.  She actually said that him being happy was pissing her off.  That is the sign of true love, when your happiness irritates your significant other.

So, following the tradition of this season, of course Jon gave up his reward, this time to Baylor, so that she and her mom could have the experience of a lifetime.  Jon, have you ever heard the expression "those who ignore the past are condemned to repeat it?" You may not have before this, but you probably will a lot in the years to come.  I'm kidding.  I'm sure that giving up your reward will not lead to your being blindsided by the very person you just gifted.  I mean, that's what happened to Jeremy, but what are the chances that would happen again?  That's just silly.

In fact, Jon was so pleased with his decision to give up his reward, he told us in his confessional that giving up the trip to the spa to Baylor would only solidify their alliance and would improve his case to the jury at the finale.  Jon is great at thinking ahead.  He has his whole speech planned out on why he should win.  I see nothing standing in his way!

Meanwhile, Missy's ankle is swelling up bigger than Drew Christy's ego and Keith is enjoying his first spa day (which he poetically describes as knocking the funk off of him), dining on spa food (I'm going to whatever spa thinks brownies are healthy!) and getting his first massage and other "extra curricular stuff."  He worries a little what the guys at the fire station back in Louisiana will think about all that pampering, but I think he doesn't have to worry about his macho card being revoked.  I'm sure spitting in every episode keeps you in good "bro" status.

Back at camp, Jon and Jaclyn are still trying to make sense of Natalie's wonky vote for Alec.  Jaclyn considers, then dismisses, the thought that it was calculated, while Jon is 1,000% sure that Natalie made a mistake and he's going to be able to use it against her when they plead their case in front of the jury at the finals.  This is the dichotomy of their relationship.  Jaclyn questions, Jaclyn has her suspicions raised, Jaclyn thinks, then Jon comes in and tells her everything is great and not to worry her pretty little head.  I hope, in their future together, Jon decides to listen to Jaclyn more and she trusts in his blind loyalty and gullibility less.  Otherwise, they'll be giving all their money over to some Nigerian prince they meet online.

We see Natalie at Exile Island which usually means someone 's about to find the hidden immunity idol, but in this case it was for us to see the vulnerable side of Natalie and understand that behind her tough girl exterior is someone who really misses her twin and is exhausted and worn out but so close to her goal.  Without anyone around, she lets the emotions get to her, but when she's back on the island, she's all business.

Missy's ankle is now so big it's starting to have its own gravitational pull, so Jeff brings in medical which means a cute guy with an even cuter Australian accent will check her out.  Long story short, if this were early in the season, she'd be medivac'd out of there immediately.  But since there are so few days left, it's Missy's decision if she wants to quit and get her ankle x-rayed or stick it out.  She has zero interest in pulling a Julie and they agree to immobilize her ankle and let her stay in the game (even if she's out of the next challenge that requires, among other skills, the ability to say upright on two feet).

Jon now has a one in five chance of winning this immunity challenge and again foiling Natalie's plan. This quickly becomes a one in two chance when the others drop out of the challenge.  But while he stares down the vase, defying it to move, a sudden gust of wind (I swear, it was so strong I could hear it) blows his vase off and gives Natalie the win.  Natalie is so excited, she runs over and hugs Jeff.  In her head she's thinking, this is it.  I can finally get rid of Jon.  But she acts like this is great for the five-person alliance, that it's Keith who's going next and all is going according to plan.

I wonder if Natalie plays poker. I hope for their financial stake that Jon and Jaclyn don't.

Jon and Jaclyn barely consider that his not winning immunity could spell trouble, and are pretty quickly convinced that Keith is the target.  Jaclyn has a fleeting concern, what if Jon is the target?  But Jon cannot picture a scenario where his alliance turns on him.  At first, you think his trust is well-founded as Missy immediately balks when Baylor asks her to take part in a J/J blindside.  But then you remember this is Blood v. Water and what wins out in that battle?

Missy hobbling off to Tribal Council

Eventually, Missy makes it to Tribal Council and from the start it looks like Keith may sink Natalie's ship as he did Reed's.  Keith immediately, before Jeff even poses a question, starts talking about his failed attempts to pierce the five person alliance and how someone should use him to make a move.  Jon pipes up that they are solid and that he would be a hypocrite if he were to turn on his allies (cut to the jury rolling their collective eyes at this).

Natalie does a great job pretending to be worried about being the odd girl out in her alliance and happy to have immunity to keep her safe and Jon buries himself with his overconfidence and his thoughts of the endgame.  Missy does a great job by NOT pulling a Keith and crack or show signs that she might be planning something and the whole Tribal Council only reinforces Jon's belief in his safety.  And even Keith does a great job by not putting his recently pedicured foot in his mouth (a la Stick to the plan).  With no suspicions raised, Jon does not play his idol.

Baylor and Natalie orchestrate a 2-2-2 three-way tie (in case Jon wised up...hey, no laughing).  Jon didn't play his idol and on revote it was Mr. America, Mr. Prom King, aka Mr. Clueless who was the next voted out...once he went back for his torch so that Jeff could fully snuff it.

"No hard feelings, guys.  Nice move."  I'll give it to Jon, he perfected the classy exit.  He was not a hypocrite and he was not a whiner.  But he was also way too trusting, gullible, unclear on the rules of Survivor.  Yes, he orchestrated a blindside on Jeremy, taking one of the best players out of the game, but in the end he did not consider himself vulnerable and let his guard down.  You never want to be voted out holding an idol, you especially don't want to be voted out by someone who was like a mom to you.  But that's what happens when you forget that she was someone else's real life mom.

Natalie is in great shape.  She's atop the food chain, with a strong alliance with Baylor and with a newly-loyal fan in Keith.  She has the only immunity idol still in play.  And she's good at challenges.   I certainly don't want to tempt the Survivor Gods by saying it looks good for this twinnie, but I can say with assurance that we'll have our answer next week!

Quotes:
Jaclyn:  I'm so confused. Did Alec vote for himself?

Baylor: If they [Jon and Jaclyn] were smart, they'd know Natalie knew exactly what she was doing.

Keith (talking about Jon and Jaclyn): You mean Mr. Prom King and Miss Homecoming Queen?

Jon (talking about Missy):  A spa day is going to completely rejuvenate her. She's going to feel as young as she looks.
Jaclyn: Jon, you're annoying right now.

Jon: I don't see Nat flipping.

Jon:  God's got a plan. ...  I've got to accept it.

Jaclyn:  Could I go home tonight?  Could Jon go home tonight?  You never know 100%.

Jaclyn: I don't think Jon or I are going anywhere.

Jon: I think about that final speech quite a bit.

Missy:  I'm pretty loyal to a fault.

Confessionals:

Natalie (3)
Baylor (3)
Jon (5)
Keith (3)
Missy (2)
Jaclyn

Recapping Survivor San Juan Del Sur Episode 11, Pt. 2: Natalie makes a move

If you thought part one of tonight's two-hour long episode was predictable, then you must have been yawning your way through the second hour where the most exciting thing to happen this episode was a rat scurrying across the ground during Tribal Council.

After Reed was voted off, Alec tells us he has no one and Jon confirms for him that his position is pretty dire.  Jon trusts his five person alliance and doesn't see any crack developing.  No matter how many times Natalie tells us in her confessionals that she wants to blindside Jon, and I think it's up to about 20,000 times by now, that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.  The only question remaining is will it be Alec or Keith who goes tonight.

But before we get to that, there's another reward challenge, aka another chance for Alec and Keith to watch the majority alliance squabble about who gets to enjoy another huge meal.  This time it's spaghetti in bed, which isn't really a thing.  I'm part Italian and could eat pasta at every meal and I enjoy spending time in bed probably more than most people, but I've never thought of combining the two.  Regardless, this is an ooh and aah invoking reward that ultimately Natalie wins despite Jon's assertion at the beginning that he was going to lock it up.   Jon needn't have worried.  Natalie decides to take Jon and Jaclyn into bed with her, so she can tell the folks at home that she's literally sleeping with the enemy.

My favorite moment was Missy complaining about not being chosen for the reward (she did chose Natalie after all just three days ago) missing the point that, one, she just had a reward and, two, if you want to keep your alliance together you might want to include them in a reward now and then.  And Reed thought Baylor was the brat.

Did I mention that Natalie wants to blindside Jon to avenge Jeremy?  I should mention that as often as I can because it's such a subtle point you could probably miss it.  Natalie is so circumspect on the subject, if only she let us know what she's thinking.  I mean, sure she tells us in the confessionals every time a camera is pointed at her what her plans are for Jon.  Sure, she took Baylor aside to tell her of her plan to blindside Jon to get revenge for Jeremy.  But what does Natalie "if he wins I will literally kill myself" Anderson really feel about Jon?

I won't go into how annoying Jon was with the wine and how he couldn't even spell sommelier (which I did without spell check, mind you) and how I want to put him in a giant glass and swirl him around until he pukes which was what I wanted to do hearing him go on and on about wine, because he then mentioned his dad and it all got real and serious and sad.  So, moving on....

Natalie tells Baylor that sharing the reward with Jon was "probably the worst experience of my life."  This obviously means she's a very lucky girl or Jon was a lot more boring and annoying than we saw in the one minute snippet the producers showed us of the reward.  Regardless, it reinforces to Baylor and us that NATALIE WANTS JON OUT.  Even Baylor says she wants Jon out.  Which, in Survivor speak, means Jon is totally safe tonight.

Post-reward, Jon's Spidey senses tell him that there is something weird going on around camp.  Jaclyn is concerned as well.  How much can they trust Natalie?  Are they solid in their alliance?  But just as soon as Jaclyn raises those really valid questions, Jon shoots them down.  He may feel some strange vibes, but he knows without any question that he can trust Missy and Natalie.  So, he's batting .500, which is great in baseball but not so good on Survivor where one little misstep could be your last.  The only thing Jon has going for him is his physical strength, the fact that his loved one is still in the game, the fact that Missy adores him, and the Survivor trope that Natalie's repeated promise to vote him out makes him bulletproof.

And just like that, Jon wins individual immunity, to go along with the protection of the hidden immunity idol, which means he's not going anywhere despite how many times Natalie tells us she wants him out.  The only play now is whether to vote off Keith or Alec.  Why is no one, say, Natalie, thinking of going after Jon's closest ally Jaclyn?  Excellent question (I always ask the best ones!).  Because Natalie is so blinded by her single-minded hatred of Jon that she's not thinking strategically any more.

They make what is a pretty unimportant choice seem monumentally significant.  Jon and Jaclyn want to save Alec for one more vote.  They like him, and Jaclyn enjoys his flirting, and he's young and beautiful and those people should get every benefit in life.  So Keith is their target.  Natalie realizes that Alec couldn't win a contest unless it was "if you're related to Drew, you win" so she wants Keith the 50-something expectorating fire captain to stick around and give Jon some competition in the upcoming challenges.

The alliance of five agree to split their votes, in case Keith or Alec have an idol, with three votes for Keith and two for Alec.  But Natalie, who is desperate to make a BIG MOVE in the game, decides to flip it by casting her vote for Alec, having him go out next.  This is a dangerous move because it shows some dissension, a potential crack in their solid alliance, and she wants Jon to continue to see her as loyal up until the moment she orchestrates his ouster.  But the only way her plan to get rid of Jon works is if he doesn't win immunity and Keith looks like the only real threat to Jon.

A lot of time is wasted on the Alec v. Keith vote, focusing on Keith trying to talk strategy and Alec flirting with Baylor.  There are no sparks between the two young 'uns, so the flirting doesn't pan out, and as for strategizing with Keith, just ask Reed how well that goes.

The 3-2 split sending Alec, rather than Keith, out of the game does shock Jon and Jaclyn and we'll have to wait a week to see if Natalie will pay for her decision or whether she can continue to con Jon into thinking she can be trusted.

Quotes:
Jon:  Unless I am reading everything wrong, which I haven't yet, I'm still  controlling and steering the direction of the game.

Jon: The more I get to know Natalie, the more reassured I am of the strength of our alliance.

Natalie: It's just about them and their perfect life together as a couple.

Jaclyn: I don't trust anyone out here.

Natalie: I could totally flip the entire game.

Confessionals:
Alec
Natalie (5)
Jon (5)
Jaclyn (3)
Baylor (2)
Keith (2)
Missy

Recapping Survivor San Juan Del Sur, Episode 11, Pt. 1: Couple's therapy replaces strategy

In retrospect, nothing happened in Wednesday's two-hour episode that we couldn't have predicted the week before.  It's a testament to the hardworking producers over at the venerable reality show that they could hold our attention for what ended up being totally expected.

After the failed coup at the previous Tribal Council - thanks to Keith's now famous "let's stick to the plan" - Jon was still there and in the majority alliance.  On one side there was Reed, Alec and Keith, the other Jon/Jaclyn, Missy/Baylor and Natalie.  Jon was sitting pretty.  The only way Reed, Alec or Keith weren't going next was if Baylor and Natalie decided to make a big play and switch sides.  But Jon couldn't imagine that happening.  Baylor was not about to go against her mom and her mom is Team Jon all the way.  And Natalie has been loyal since day one.  Jon had no clue that she was still stewing over the Jeremy blindside and just waiting for the chance to deliver Jon his karmic payback.

Most of the episode concerned a rift in the relationship between Jon and Jaclyn, or why you shouldn't spend 24/7 with your loved one under any circumstances.  They were both right, both wrong, in their various dust-ups.   Let's do a little couple's therapy and try to see this dispute from both sides, as rational, clear-minded people.

Jon made a good point that giving credit to others for clever moves was not a good strategy when thinking about getting the jury's vote.  Jaclyn made a good point that Jon would be dining at the Ponderosa had Natalie not saved his butt at tribal.  Jon made a good point that they were in a solid position in their alliance and nothing would be gained by allying with the boys against Missy and Baylor.  Jaclyn made a good point that Natalie was closer to Missy and Baylor and they're at the bottom of the five-person alliance. Jon made a good point that after two days alone he wanted a hug and not to immediately be hit with Jaclyn's thoughts on strategy.  Jaclyn made a good point that they're playing Survivor and all they should be thinking about is strategy. Now that I look at it, neither of them have a good point.  Jaclyn is a spoiled brat (note to Reed, you missed the mark on that one) who must be tended to constantly and Jon is a clueless lug who needs to learn how to talk to his girlfriend respectfully.

Back to Survivor.  I'm a Survivor purist.  I don't like Jeff making deals for food or flint, I don't like him being easy on people who quit.  Basically, Jeff's gone soft. The new, touchy feely Jeff took the teeth out of an old favorite challenge.  The pecking order reward challenge used to be a great way for people to learn where they stand in the tribe and in their own alliance.  Instead, this time the challenge was as exciting as watching rice cook.  Natalie, following up on her great gameplay the last few days, looked to Jon for advice on "what are we doing" rather than risk showing her cards.  She adeptly solidified the us versus them and confirmed to Jon her allegiance to him.  Meanwhile, in confessionals we know that she feels nothing but blind rage at Jon for his blindsiding Jeremy.  Perhaps if the challenge had played out to the end she would have showed her cards, going after Jon or Jaclyn. Instead, she was able to continue playing the devoted ally.

Thus, the majority alliance, predictably and in unison, targeted Reed, then Alec, then Keith but when it was finally going to get interesting, when the five will have to show who's at the bottom of the totem pole, Jeff gave them an out.  Since it's obvious they're working together, who do they want to win, he asked.  Rather than letting them knock out each other in order from least important to most which is precisely what this challenge is designed for, they all get to agree to give Missy the win.  They also agree on who's going to Exile Island.  No blood on anyone's hands, no tipping their hands.  A waste of a good challenge.

The only intriguing moment came from Missy having to make a "tough" decision - basically, does she want to take Natalie or Jaclyn on the reward and who should go to Exile Island.  If Natalie were thinking, she would not have wanted Missy to send Jon to Exile Island.  Her plan, in case she didn't mention in enough, is to avenge Jeremy by blindsiding Jon.  So why let Missy send Jon where he can find the hidden immunity idol?  Also, since Natalie's plans hinge on getting Reed, Alec and Keith to go along with her plan, why let them spend time alone with Jaclyn?  None of this made any sense.

Immediately, Jaclyn is upset with Missy's decision.  Jon "sacrificed" by agreeing to go to Exile (her mischaracterization of a move that probably guaranteed him the million dollars) and she's stuck with the butt end of the deal, as she refers to the prospect of spending the afternoon with the three remaining guys.  The guys, especially Reed, swoop in and try to take advantage of the situation to get Jaclyn to question her allegiance to the Missy/Baylor/Natalie alliance.  Jaclyn eats it up, loving how she and Jon some how always end up in the middle (not realizing there's nothing magical about it - they choose to be wishy-washy so they're always in the middle).  She can't wait for Jon to come back from Exile so she can tell him her epiphany that they're at the bottom of the five-person alliance.   

It was, unfortunately, very expected how this would all play out, from the minute Missy chose Natalie.  Predictably, Jon finds the idol on Exile.  Predictably, Reed and Alec convince Jaclyn that she should ally with them, that Natalie and Missy/Baylor have a final three deal that doesn't include Jaclyn/Jon (which is true, but seems like something a desperate person would say to save themselves). Predictably, Jaclyn gets paranoid about her alliance and wants to be the swing vote and switch things up for the fiftieth time.  

But when Jon comes back from Exile, he doesn't want to listen to her concerns.  He's tired, hungry, dirty, and just wants a little love and attention from his woman.  Rather than discussing strategy, they have a huge blow up, she flirts with Alec, he goes off to talk with Missy, and somewhere Reed is wondering how his game came down to one errant sentence by an old guy who spits more that a camel using chewing tobacco.  Reed scrambles, making his best pitch to Jon.  In the wink of Jon's eye, it looks like perhaps Reed is going to be able to make this happen.  But, unfortunately, the usually clueless Jon even sees through Reed's desperate attempt.  Or, more likely, he's too exhausted from his fight with Jaclyn to do anything other than the easy vote.

Reed, prophetically, says he's worried that the silence between Jaclyn and Jon will mean they won't be able to consider his offer to them and that he may end up eliminated because the two whose votes he needs won't talk to each other.

In the end, it's Reed - the biggest challenge threat and only one of the three guys who can spell strategy - whose torch is snuffed. 

Sad to see Reed go, especially as he was within minutes of flipping everything the last tribal council. If you ever meet him, do not tell him to just stick to the plan. That line will probably haunt him for a long time to come.  

Quotes:
Reed: There's nothing worse than angry girls.

Jon: Best blindside sniff out ever.

Jaclyn: Who's the jury, what are you talking about?

Reed (after Jeff tells him he has no chance at the horseback riding reward): That's okay, my family has twelve.  

Reed: I'm a people person, Baylor.  You're a brat.

Alec:  It's like cream cheese.  You can't hurt many things by putting cream cheese on it.

Reed:  My life hinges on those two talking to each other.

Confessionals:
Keith
Alec (2)
Natalie (5)
Jon (4)
Jaclyn (6)
Missy (2)
Baylor (2)
Reed (4)

Recapping Survivor San Juan Del Sur Episode 7: I Quit

How am I supposed to work under these conditions?  It's cold, it rained a week ago, my significant other isn't here and I'm out of trail mix.  And no one is telling me how pretty I am.  Why does everyone hate me just because I managed to sneak enough makeup onto the island to keep RuPaul happy?  Why do I have to watch other people be happy, what about me? Wahhhhhh.

Now that I'm done channeling the latest castaway to leave Survivor, "John Rocker's girlfriend" Julie McGee, let's look at what happened on last night's let down of a show.

Things started well enough, with the two tribes merging at twelve, having a feast which made Hunahpu's decision to forfeit their luxury items for rice even dumber.  Surprisingly, there was no clue to an immunity island stuffed in any of the buffs or underneath any of the food or, if there were, this group probably ate it.

After settling and and coming up with a creative new name for their tribe (insert eye roll).  Merging the two names together like they're coming up with a new showmance name may, and I'm going out on a limb here with the may, have been a cool idea once, long ago, but now it's just lazy.  What happened to creativity, like when Malcolm famously fooled his castmates on Survivor: Caramoan, telling them when he suggested a new tribe name of Enil Edam that it meant "new beginnings" when it was really his mom's name spelled backwards.

The survivors did some quick calculation and saw that there were four singles and four pairs.  Alec thought that meant there were eight people left, but everyone else grasped the math.  Keith, who had been odd man out on the Coyopa tribe, was reunited with his son Wes and was now in the majority.  Jeremy, who had been sitting pretty on Hunahpu, was now in the minority.  It would be very easy for the couples to eliminate the singles and then duke it out when it got down to the final eight.

Jeremy knew he had Missy and Baylor and that they would come back over to him, joining with Natalie and Julie. That was only five, so Jeremy immediately reconnected with Jon.  He warned him about how Josh is running things and that he and Reed had Alec and Wes and Keith.  If Jon and Jaclyn joined Jeremy's group, the seven could then vote to get rid of Josh, who is the biggest threat in the game.  Jeremy easily locked up Jon,

Jeremy was right to target Josh, because the only person playing harder than Jeremy this season is Josh.  He pulled Wes and Keith over to join Josh, Reed and Alec.  That was only five, so he went to his former ally Baylor and asked her to bring her two votes over to get rid of Jeremy.  Baylor was all for that - despite the fact that Josh had voted against her, despite the fact that Josh had lied/withheld information from her and despite the fact that she had already told us in a confessional that she couldn't trust Josh any more, he easily charmed her right back into his web.

When Baylor told her mom her intention of joining up with Josh's group against Jeremy, Missy shut that down.  Just because she's been married and divorced three times doesn't mean that her choices are in any way suspect or that Baylor shouldn't follow her decisions blindly. She's the mom and she knows best.

But have no fear, Josh fans.  All is not lost.  He doesn't need Missy and Baylor, if he can pull in Jon and Jaclyn.   Sure, Jon was allied with Jeremy since the start.  Sure they reconnected immediately following the merge.  Sure, Jon agreed to join Jeremy and vote off Josh. But all you have to do is wave something shiny in front of Jon and his memory is wiped clean.  He's then susceptible to whoever speaks to him next.  So Josh and Reed do that, and within seemingly seconds, Jon flips and flops his way over to Team Josh.

Meanwhile, the post-feast satisfaction is starting to wear off and people are looking for scraps and suddenly someone remembers that there was leftover trail mix.  Julie is sitting off away from the tribe, munching on some dried apricot, as she says in her confessional that she grabbed the trail mix and put it in her bag and possession is 9/10th of the law and hiding something so no one knows you have it is the other 1/10th so she's going to keep it for herself.

Only the rest of the tribe goes CSI: Huyopa and start to figure out the missing food must be in someone's bag and after eliminating all the other options of where it could be they zero in on Julie's bag.  Lo and behold, what do they find?  Not lipstick, eyeliner, a hair straightener, blush, conditioner, an eyelash curler, and tweezers, nope it's the missing trail mix.   Instead of getting a lynch squad to go after Julie, they scoop out all the munchable goodness from her bag and have a mini feast in her absence.

Julie comes back to the camp and she realizes that they discovered her stash (possibly it was their askance looks, possibly it was the fact everyone had nut breath, or maybe it was the fact that Alec actually mentioned trail mix out loud in front of her).  But whatever it was, Julie knows she's in trouble big time.

But first, it's time for the Immunity Challenge and it is not one that necessarily favors one gender over another.  It requires balance and strength and concentration and the most surprising thing other than old man Keith winning is that Jeremy went out first.  As he noted in the post-challenge confessional, it wasn't just that he went out first, but who outlasted him.  Julie, for goodness sake.  Julie. That hurt the most.

Keith, who had earlier forgotten it was his son Wes' birthday, was head to head against his son at the end and, with the chance to make that up to him he, like a good dad...held on and whooped his kid. Yep, no throwing the challenge to your son whose birthday you forgot and who doesn't have a hidden immunity idol.  Keith is playing to win.

It's scramble time and without immunity, and not knowing whether Baylor can get Missy to come over, Josh has some work to do.  He and Reed focus on getting one, if not both, of the other duos over to their side.  Reed strikes the right note by warning Jon that Jeremy is targeting the pairs.  Baylor also is softened up by Josh and it's possible she may convince her mom to vote against Jeremy.

Things are looking bleak for Jeremy.  He won't be able to go back to the firehouse having lost the first immunity challenge to an old man, a mom, and John Rocker's girlfriend.  He then makes the #1 mistake on Survivor, telling the camera that even though he doens't have immunity he feels pretty good about his alliance and is sure that Josh is going home.

At this point I'm getting ready to say goodbye to my favorite player this year, Jeremy, and tip my hat to my new favorite, Josh, who will now coast to victory.  Only, Julie has something to say about all of this.

She's tired, hungry, she misses "her boyfriend John Rocker," and what's worse, no one likes her.  No one ever likes her because she's pretty. Even sunburned, without any facial products or a professional blowout, they still don't like her because she's pretty. She's on the outs and probably the next one to go home, all because she's pretty.  And maybe because of the whole laziness/trail mix stealing thing.  But mostly, because of the pretty.

Missy tries to talk her into staying, but fails to appreciate what buttons need pushing.  Tell Julie that she wants to show everyone how strong she is, how capable she is, how more than two boobs and a pretty face she is. Tell Julie that "her boyfriend John" will love her more, put a ring on it, if she hangs in there. Tell her no one wants to date a quitter, even if they made the merge.  Nope, Missy tells her, basically, that if she quits, she's hurting Missy's game.

Surprisingly, that doesn't change Julie's mind.

Jeff comes over and tries to talk her into staying.  He does almost as piss poor a job as Missy.  He doesn't get incensed, doesn't insult her, doesn't tell her she'll be dead to him, dead to the Survivor family and a complete embarrassment as a human being.  He gives here a lukewarm scolding then, pretty quickly, accepts her decision to quit the game.

He then goes to tell the Huyopa tribe the good/bad news.  The good news is there's one less mouth to feed, Julie can rush back into "her boyfriend John's" open arms, and they won't have to help her through any rainy days or Mondays, which always get her down.  The bad news...there is none!  Because no one had Julie in their Survivor pool and no one is threatening not to watch any more if she is gone.

Jeremy thinks this is bad news for him, not realizing he was about to get his torch snuffed.  Josh realizes that it's not the best news for him, since he was well positioned to get rid of his biggest threat, but at least there is one less single and it now only takes six votes, not seven, to win the next tribal vote.  So he and his fellow successful Broadway star should be able to get rid of that pesky firefighter next time around.  Assuming, Jeremy doesn't figure out how to win an immunity challenge next time around, or at least beat the old guy and the mom.

Quotes:  
Jon (referencing the famous Kat quote from BvW 1): We can still date each other, we made it to the merge.

Jeremy: I was out before Julie.  I was out before Julie.

Jon (about Julie):  She's selfish and she's awful.

Confessionals:

Keith (4)
Jeremy (4)
Jaclyn (2)
Reed
Jon (4)
Julie (5)
Wes (2)
Josh (8)
Baylor
Missy (2)

Survivor San Juan Del Sur Blood V. Water 2, Episode 4: Who's the dumbest of them all?

I have watched every episode of Survivor since Richard Hatch sat on a tree branch and proclaimed Season 1, Episode 1 that they should make out the million dollar check to him right then.  That season we saw the birth of Survivor strategy with the creation of voting alliances, the use of deceit and misdirection, and the manipulation of people based on personality traits and interpersonal relationships.  It's what made the show so delicious to watch.  Last night, we saw some of the worst Survivor play in the history of the show.  And, still, the episode served up another tasty treat and by the end, when Drew Christy got his karmic comeuppance for his multitude of mistakes, I cheered.

The episode began with the Coyopa tribe celebrating the end of the John Rocker era.  Baylor Wilson, who had once again had votes cast against her at tribal but lived to see another day, was the most relieved and quickly pegged Dale Wentworth as the new low man on the totem pole.  Dale, who was the only one not to know about the plan to blindside John, realized that he took being in a dominant all-guy alliance for granted and better work on his social game.  This is the theme for tonight folks, on Survivor do not take anything for granted.

Back on the winner's beach, all is good.  They have the new flint and, looky here, there's the old flint.  Well, gosh darn, they didn't lose it after all (Jon Misch points out, that means he didn't lose it after all)!  But it also means that they gave up fishing great for nothing.  That's so funny!  Okay, maybe not to them.  And certainly not to Drew who is the greatest angler the world has ever seen and would have fished the area dry by now if only he had a snorkel.  But Drew has a masterplan, one of many.  He will charm Jeff Probst into exchanging the extra flint for the fishing gear and also get him to throw in a grill, some paella and a nice Merlot to go with it.

"That's what a good leader does," "without me these people would be nothing."   So says Drew the Delusional as he makes sure to let us know that he's running the successful Hunahpu tribe and he doesn't have to listen to the little people, he'll let them know what's what.  Boy, life with Drew as your older brother must have been a blast, right Alec?

At Heroes Arena Julie McGee and the Hunahpu tribe see that Coyopa took their (primarily Natalie Anderson's) advice and voted off Julie's boyfriend John.  Hunahpu keeps it classy by clapping and celebrating while Julie tries not to show any emotion.  You almost feel sorry for her, and then you reember she chose to date John Rocker and you get over it.  Then Drew interrupts Jeff to try and barter a new, never-struck flint for some of the long gone fishing gear and Jeff strings him along for shits and giggles before letting him know the answer is not no but never. 

The actual loved-ones duel pits Jon against Jaclyn Schultz and it's close, but Jon gets the win and the honot of sending his girlfriend to Exile Island.  He also gets to pick someone from his tribe to go with her and wanting to protect his grilfriend and make sure she's safe and comfoted of course he sneds...DREW???  "I trust Drew, he pulls his weight (unless he's napping)," says Jon to explain his choice and I can think of seven other people who would have made a better choice.  Even Jon must realize how dumb that was as he later quips that, knowing Drew, he bets Jaclyn is doing most of the work!

Meanwhile, Alec Christy asks, after his team's 87th straight loss, "Are we going to be the worst tribe in survivor history?"  Well, maybe, but your brother has a different idea!  But first, Drew, the ladies' man, is out to strategize and manipulate minds on his way to be the greatest Survivor player ever.  His first brilliant plan is to throw the next challenge, to get rid of the "snakes" on his team.  And, he's goig to tell someone on the other tribe his plan. 

.Back on Hunahpu, Keith Nale is looking for the immunity idol.  When he doens't find it, he decides that Jeremy Collins probably aflreay found it as he also had the clue to the idol's location.  So what does he do, thinking his Firefighters R Us alliance member Jeremy has the idol?  Does he go to him and ask him?  Does he keep the knowledge to himself?  Or does he BLAB TO EVERYONE ELSE ON THE TRIBE?  Pick the dumbest answer and you'll be right.

Reed tells Jeremy that his buddy Keith just dropped a dime on him and now Jeremy is out for blood and making sure everyone knows that Keith cannot be trusted.  Keith is so dumb, I'd sit and marvel at his stupidity but there's no time, because now Jeremy wants to take the title of dumbest player by telling his fellow tribemates how disappointed he is at Keith BECAUSE HE HAD HIS BACK.  You know, your fellow tribemates (especially the girls who thought you were in an alliance with them) do not need to know you had a secret two person alliance with Ketih.  Keith redeems himself by going back to check again for the immunity idol, which he finds when it literally jumps up at him, and by not blabbing about having it.

Baylor and Alec have a tense relationship.  He feels bossed around by his brother Drew, so the last thing he wants is to feel inferior to Baylor.  But she manages to push all the same buttons and where, in past seasons, their bickering would look like a precursor to some showmance, this looks like it'll need a visit by Dr. Phil very soon. 

The immunity challenge involves running, swimming, fetching, retrieving and tossing and the Hunahpu tribe sits out three of its stronger players.  Despite this, Hunahpu is still in it when it's time for the tossers to land five rings on their pegs.  That's where Operation Throw the Challenge comes into play as Drew makes sure he's the only one throwing rings for his team and he throws as well as Ray Charles plays darts.  Coyopa "wins" their first immunity challenge and they believe that hard work, positive thinking, the absence of a negative influence like John and god's love all meshed to give them their first victory.  Jaclyn knows the real reason, but she's not letting on as her tribemates go off feeling good for the first time all season.

The kingpin of his tribe Drew is happy that things are going just the way he planned.  Jon, the other alpha male on the tribe, has Julie in his sights.  She's not in the guys' alliance, she doesn't have a loved one still in the game (like Keith, Jon, and Drew) and she's a threat.  She should be the next to g... Hold that thought, says Drew "Kanye" Christy.  Imma let you finish...actually I'm not.  Drew has a better idea and it can't wait.  Kelley Wentworth, that's their next target.  He does not want to hear what Jon has to say, Drew knows who's next and that should be the end of the discussion.

Jeremy, the third alpha male on the tribe, is gunning for Keith.  He is furious with Keith for turning his back on their alliance, for being shady and untrustworthy.  He should be the next to g... Now it's Drew's turn to interrupt Jeremy.  Drew has a better idea...Kelley.  She's the biggest threat, she should be their next target, blah blah blah. You have to hand it to Drew, when he gets something in his head, he does not let it go.

Natalie, who is playing a great game without her twinnie around, goes to tell Missy about Drew's plan.  It somehow never occurred to Drew that if Kelley is the head of this deadly all-girls alliance, that maybe he shouldn't be talking smack about her in front of the other girls!  Natalie realizes that the guys are splintered and that Drew would have nothing to fear from the girls if he had basic math skills.  If the guys agree on a common target, their five votes are enough to carry the vote.  But if the guys do not work together, then a four-strong girl alliance might be enough.  So she and Missy focus on which of the guys is the biggest physical threat after merge and decide to target him.

Drew is so convinced that things will go his way that he talks about his plan to get rid of Kelley IN FRONT OF KELLEY.  "Let's get Kelley out tonight and then all these bitches will come to us," Mr. Sensitive says, loudly, at camp.  He obviously thinks the girls post-show will be swarming the guy who calls women bitches and this is just the tip of his delusional iceberg.  He also thinks that telling someone they are the target will not lead them to do anything, that saying you are the head honcho makes it true, and that hubris makes you bullet proof.  

Natalie goes to Jeremy with the plan to get rid of Drew.  Jeremy is not adverse to the idea of getting rid of the "moron," (query, if we all agree with the insult, even if not PC, do I still have to put it in quotes?) although it does make him nervous. .But with every utterance from Drew it makes keeping him around more of a liability.  Even his friend Jon calls him a jackass. 

At tribal council, we quickly learn that this is a highly-splintered group.  Jon and Drew are tight, but it's not good when your friendship has you pegged early as a strong alliance.  The tribe has "too many chiefs, not enough Indians" and half the tribe is lazy as hell.  As Jeff continues with his questions, the tribe keeps their answers pretty vague until Jeremy decides to lay his cards out.  He tells Jeff - and his fellow tribemates - that he felt betrayed by Keith WHO HE WAS IN AN ALLIANCE WITH.  Now, this may have surprised the girls who Jeremy had formed alliances with on Day One and also surprised the other guys who thought they were all on equal footing.  But mostly it surprised all of us who  knew Jeremy is a super fan who's been trying to get on the show forever.  How did he not know to keep his mouth shut about this alliance?

Somehow, though, Jeremy comes out of this mess in pretty good shape as Natalie comes to his defense against Keith and Jeff, while rolling his eyes, does not call Jeremy out on his strategic blunder.  Keith, shows himself to be a neophyte at the game, not realize that sub-alliances are a thing on a show that is in its 29th season.  Drew says that he's heard a lot of names being tossed around at camp including Keith and Julie, but he has his eyes on another "bad energy" in the tribe.  Coincidentally, so does Kelley, only she points out that not everyone is agreed on who might that bad seed be.  Natalie the Captain Obvious for tonight's show tells Jeff that the tribe is "scatterbrained" and that a few stray votes can change everything.  And with that hammer of foreshadowing still echoing in our ears, it's time for a vote. 

"We're a hot mess," says Natalie.  Jeff chimes in that it's about to get a lot messier, and it does in for the first time in I don't know how long, there are four separate players - Julie, Kelley, Keith and Drew - each getting at least one vote.  With the girls, plus Jeremy, joining forces it's Drew who is the fourth person kicked out of Survivor San Juan Del Sur Blood Versus Water 2.  As much rejoicing as there will be among the girls, especially Kelley, to be rid of the deranged Drew, how happy will Alec be that he outlasted his older brother?  Should make Thanksgiving dinner a little more interesting - Drew, who gets the biggest slice of pumpkin pie now, bitch?

Next week it's "drop your buffs" time and there'll be a mixing of the two teams.  Will we finally get a Reed confessional?  Will we finally get the rain that's been threatening?  Will the cameraman stop beating us over the head with shots of snakes slithering around the island?  Will another immunity idol be buried back at Coyopa's camp?  Come back next week to find out.

Confessionals:
Baylor
Dale
Drew
Kelley
Drew
Alec
Drew
Jon
Julie
Drew
Jaclyn
Drew
Keith
Jeremy
Baylor
Alec
Jeremy
Natalie

Recapping Survivor Blood v. Water San Juan Del Sur Episode 3: John Rocker lives up to his reputation

It only takes two tribal councils where her name is written down for Baylor Payne to realize she may not be in the best position on her tribe.  With only two girls remaining on Coyopa, and she being the physically weakest, it's time for Baylor to scramble.  But what she doesn't realize just how lucky she was that Josh Canfield was paying attention back at camp and how his quick thinking, and second straight tribal council vote switch, saved her.  She was smart to try and pair up with him early and, even if he can't be trusted farther than she can throw John Rocker, he's a good ally to have.

Josh is playing HARD.  He watches what goes on around camp, who is talking with who, who has the numbers, how the next few votes would go.  He is paying lip service to being part of the guys' alliance, but he is the founding and sole member of the Josh alliance.  The only problem with his game so far is that he's had to explain his shady behavior too much already and after just six days he already is seen as someone who will go rogue.

On Hunahpu, you would think life would be great  They haven't lost a challenge and they're still enjoying their shiny new piece of flint whick will keep the home fires burning.  But this wouldn't be Survivor if everyone sat around singing Kumbayah.  So we have Drew Christy, aka Sleeping Beauty, aka Douchey McDoucherson, lazing around the camp while everyone else works on improving their shelter.  He actually finds weaving palm fronds too taxing.  He has violated one of the cardinal rules of Survivor, he is standing out (technically lying down) and being the subject of conversation.  In an otherwise cohesive, tranquil tribe he is the odd man out.

While we're talking about violating basic Survivor rules, John puts his enormous foot in his even bigger mouth by telling everyone at Heroes' Arena that he had made a deal with Jeremy Collins while they were both on Exile Island to protect his wife, Val, that he tried to execute that plan, and that he failed.  Now his tribe knows that he had tried to form a side alliance with someone on the other side, failed to tell them about this alliance, and was working with Val.  Tangentially, they also know that having John on your side does not guarantee you another day in the game.  And Josh knows that his suspicions were correct and that John is a weak link in the guys' chain.

It's time for the Reward Challenge and Coyopa picks first and they decide to have Wes Nale take on his dad Keith in a challenge where balance, stamina and focus are the key.  At first, unexpectedly, the elder firefighter takes the lead, but he fatigues and is passed by his son, who gives Coyopa its first (narrow) victory of the season.  Keith tears up and at first you don't know if he's upset that he lost or that he's not able to keep up with his son, but Jeff Probst gets him to admit that he's proud of his son and that gets Wes to tear up as well.  Awww.  From Jeremy's stunned and hurt reaction to seeing his wife had been voted out, to the hug between Wes and Keith, the heart-string pulling Blood versus Water twist is one of the best Survivor has come up with.

Back at the Hunahpu camp, Julie McGee storms off sulking about what Jeremy said about "my  boyfriend John."  She's worried that "my boyfriend John" will now be targeted at his tribe.  I think she should be worried how stupid she looks repeatedly referring to him as "my boyfriend John."  She should also be worried that now absolutely everyone knows all of the sordid past of her boyfriend John the raving homophobic bigot. 

Keith is getting savvier and this time on Exile Island he makes a deal ahead of time to share the information about the location of the hidden immunity idols.  He and Josh open their clues and discuss that they have to be wary that their fellow tribemates, including Jeremy and John, may already have found the idols.  Josh and Keith are bonding as well as a "southern hick" and a "gay guy from New York" can.  Keith is still a little too aware of Josh's homosexuality, and makes some uncomfortable comments, but Rome wasn't built in a day and hopefully this experience will open his eyes.

As night falls, Baylor is working it, girl.  She knows she's the low woman on the guy's totem poll, so she tries to talk to the younger guys on her tribe - Wes and Alec Christy (aka the least annoying Christy brother) - about flipping the script and voting out John next.  They listen and show interest, then Alec tells us in his confessional that he's just stringing her along.  They're playing it the right way.  Lie to her, tell her what she wants to hear, but focus on winning the challenge.  But maybe the idea she's planted will grow once Josh is back at camp.

The Immunity Challenge looks like a spidery maze that took a lot longer to build than the actual competition will last.  It will pit pairs against each other crawling, climbing, dragging, pulling, and pushing and I'm getting exhausted just watching.  With all the physicality involved (including Alec taking a cheap shot at Julie and John later shoving Reed Kelly), the biggest key to this challenge is being able to throw a ball into a basket.  We learned that while Josh and Baylor are a fast twosome, Baylor is not a great shot as they lose both of their rounds thanks to her shooting.  Hunahpu wins again and, ever gracious, Natalie Anderson explodes after the win and decides to go on the attack against John of the losing tribe.

I'm not sure why Natalie is so pissed at John, unless she blames him for the fact that two women, both non-White, have been voted out on his tribe.... Yeah, that does look like his handiwork doesn't it. She calls him a racist, homophobic, and a bad sportsman.  Julie tried to defend her boyfriend John but he doesn't need her help because Dale Wentworth comes to his defense saying, in effect, we don't care what hate John spewed in the past, he's our tribemate and we're solid.  John makes Dale immediately regret coming to his defense when he tells Natalie, "If you were a man, I'd knock your teeth out," and the adding, for good measure, "you look like a man."

At this point, even Julie wishes her boyfriend John would shut his mouth.  Natalie continues to yell at Coyopa that they should vote him out and John mostly keeps his cool.  Finally he says he's willing to throw down and fight but instead Jeff cools things by giving Coyopa their Immunity Idol and sending the losing tribe back to their camp with Natalie's words echoing in their heads.

John is not worried that his teammates will take anything she said to heart and he believes he's in a solid all guy alliance on his tribe.  He regrets that the past is being brought up again and he says he regrets the comments he made in the past and he doesn't quite fall back on the "some of my best friends are" excuse while still pointing out that his closest ally is a gay guy.  John's plan at camp is to deflect attention away from his past is to tell Baylor and Jaclyn that his target is Dale the old guy. Meanwhile, he tells the rest of the guys that his target is Baylor. 

A pretty good plan, until John decides to tell Josh that he has the Immunity Idol.  Warning, warning!!!  You hear the alarm going off in Josh's head as he manages not to look shocked or worried to John.  But the wheels are turning.  Josh already knows that John is volatile and unpredictable, but the fact that he has this advantage makes him dangerous as well.  Josh should also realize that if John is voted out, or forced to play his idol, then it's back up for grabs - and Josh has the clue to where it would be buried.  In a badly edited voice over, John had said he was somewhat concerned that he might be the target tonight, but that seems to guarantee that he isn't. But we'll pin our hopes on that bit of foreshadowing, plus Josh's comment about thinking about targeting John, that Baylor won't be the next domino to fall.

Josh makes a good point in one of his confessionals about the pitfalls of making an alliance too early as he slowly discovers the truth about John.  It's a good idea in life as well not to jump too quickly into things whether reality TV alliances, stereotypes about people or changes in your hair style.  So Josh is now having second, third and fourth thoughts about being allied with someone who he can't trust, let alone respect.  While not officially cutting John loose, Josh says of him, "If I don't have to use him, then I don't want to."

Josh and Wes are hanging out in the water and Josh starts to lie to Wes about how the clue they found on Exile Island was for the other camp, but Wes wises up and asks Josh if he thinks that John has the idol from their camp.  Wes is no dummy.  He saw Josh and John hanging out and figured that John probably told Josh about the idol.  I love when I'm surprised by someone playing the game!  Wes can't wait to throw out the idea of blindsiding John.  Baylor conveniently comes over just as they're setting their plan into motion

Wes tells Alec the plan, but Alec is not keen on the idea of "getting rid of our biggest athlete."  Apparently, Alec hasn't noticed how having John on their team has not resulted in ANY IMMUNITY WINS.  He also forgets that having a strong physical threat with an immunity idol is a bad thing post merge.  So he's nervous and unconvinced about the plan.   Josh isn't feeling too confident either - both John and Baylor think they have an alliance with him and they are the two main targets for the vote.  John tells us that he is bringing his idol to tribal just in case.  Because the last thing you want to do is get voted out holding an idol.

At tribal, the plan was to let John feel confident so he wouldn't play his idol.  Jaclyn did not get that memo.  So she let the potential target, who was sitting with an immunity idol, know that the vote is not a slam dunk.  She dropped clue after clue that he might be in trouble.  She was supposed to pretend that she knew a girl was going out next, that she was relieved it was Baylor and not her.  Nope.  She could not have made it more obvious that there was something else going on.  You know who also didn't get the memo?  Baylor.  Because instead of acting like she knows she's the one and only target, or throwing attention off of John and saying something like, I hope we vote the old guy off, she's also giving off huge, neon bright, freeway billboard sized warnings to John.

Do we even have to tally the votes?  Josh and Wes now know that John HAS to be aware of their plan.  Is it even worth throwing votes his way at this point?  Truly, the only question is does John play the idol, which will still be a minor victory in that it keeps that power out of a strong player's hand.  Oh, and, how much will Missy cry next week when she sees that her daughter Baylor is gone.

WHAT????  The third member voted out is JOHN?????????????  But, but, but.  Any idiot could tell that there might be a fissure in the alliance.  Any idiot could tell that the girls had some hope that one or more of the guys flip and vote against the guys' alliance.  Any idtiot would see the looks passing between the tribe, Josh's discomfort, Jaclyn and Baylor's surprising confidence.  Any idiot knows you don't want to go home with an immunity idol in your pocket.

Well, never let it be said that John Rocker is just any idiot.

Confessionals:
Baylor (4)
John (2)
Josh (6)
Drew
Missy
Keith (2)
Natalie
Jeremy (3)
Julie
Wes
Alec (2)

Recapping Survivor San Juan Del Sur: Blood v. Water Episode Two: You have two what?

When someone describes their inexplicably crazy behavior with the old standby "there's a method to my madness," be wary. What they're telling you is they know that there is no reasonable explanation for their actions, they have no idea what possessed them, and they're really hoping they don't end up in a 48 hour psych hold for what they just did.  Josh tells Baylor that he has a perfectly good reason for why he voted for her at tribal council and neither she nor we the viewers has any idea what he was thinking.  Sure, cast a wonky vote if you want but to do it against your secret ally without telling her first is not a great way to build trust and solidify your alliance.

You know what also doesn't qualify as "method to my madness?"  Pretending you have TWO immunity idols early in the game when your entire goal should be to be as inconspicuous as possible. Val was already in some trouble having been sent to Exile Island the first day and, thus, not having the chance to bond or form alliances with her fellow tribemates.  But she escaped the vote last week when the tribe sent Nadiya out and she wasn't on anyone's radar. So what does she decide to to?  Lie to a potential ally about something that will only make you a huge target in the game  She tells John Rocker (known, of course, for his reticence and equanimity) that she has TWO idols which, if I understand Survivor math, is exponentially a bigger lie than claiming to have one idol.  Even her husband Jeremy would probably try to flush out at least one of those damned idols by voting for her.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  After Josh's head-scratching confession to Baylor, we move to Heroes' Arena and the moment we were waiting for.  What will be Natalie's reaction to finding out that her twin sister Nadiya was the first tribe member evicted?  Well, all of us twinnie haters, how do you feel now?  The poor girl was devastated, stunned, crying and clearly shaken by the realization that she wouldn't be seeing her sister for many days to come.  I realized what a heartless bitch I can be when I'm watching Reality TV and forgetting that the "real" part is that these are real people, with real feelings.  This was terribly sad and I wanted to give that annoying girl a hug, if she promised not to speak for five minutes.  Luckily, she had a surrogate mom, Missy, there to comfort her and she'll soon realize that her chances of winning increased exponentially with her partner out of the game.  Plus, if she ever gets tired, maybe Nadiya can swap in for her and no one will be the wiser!

We have the rock-paper-scissors face off to determine who chooses the duelers in today's battle and since rock won last time,  you knew someone was going to go rogue and throw paper just to mess with us and John Rocker was the bad boy to do it (that's about as exciting as I can make roshambo sound).  John picks himself to battle for the blue tribe, which means the buoyant Julie will go head-to-head in the duel and if it's who can stay under water the longest, he's a lock.  Unfortunately for John that wasn't the challenge and he probably should have taken a gander at the actual competition before choosing to take part.  Perhaps he might have noticed that being ginormously, freakishly tall and broad of shoulder would not be a benefit in this duel and picked someone of normal stature.  He and his big head and bigger upper body were no match for Julie, but he handled losing in typically gracious Rocker-style, saying, it wasn't just bad losing to his girlfriend, what really stung was losing to a girl.  Stay classy, John!

John is off to Exile Island and Julie makes the decision to send him there with Jeremy which is either a strong move to get John to form an alliance with another physically strong competitor or a test to see if John can go 48 hours without saying anything offensive.  Her tribe is about to claim their reward - fishing gear - when Reed tries to negotiate a better deal with Jeff.  Jon had lost their flint and Reed asks Jeff if they can trade their remaining beans for a new flint.  Jeff flashes his signature smile, stuns them with his dimples of doom, and lets them know that he has all the power in this negotiation, they have none.  As he so succinctly puts it, "My life is fine."  They end up surrendering all the fishing gear and much of their dignity for the flint and learning a valuable lesson about trying to one up the Probster.

While John's on Exile Island his not-so-secret identity is revealed back at camp and everyone learns that the hulking sexist is the notorious every-minority-group offending, former Atlanta Braves' pitcher.  Some hope that he's changed over the years, while the game-savvy Josh hopes that the physical threat with the checkered background will act as a lightning rod and be a valuable fall guy in the future.  On Exile Island, Jeremy has also figured out who John is but he's willing to put the past behind if he can turn John into an asset to help Val on their tribe.  He decides to share the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol with John in exchange for him promising to have Val's back.  Oh, yes, John has her back.  How else can he make sure the knife goes into the right spot.

It's Jeff Probt's favorite immunity challenge, the face off where Vytas and Aras famously replayed thirty odd years of sibling rivalry during the first Blood v. Water.  This showdown has nearly as many great moments.  After the first "which blonde is which" showdown (Jaclyn beat Kelley in a tough duel), we had our first blood showdown with Drew going up against his younger brother Alec.  Drew won round one of the relatively tame sibling battle.  Wes seemed to be the underdog as Jeremy looked bigger and stronger, but the younger firefighter pulled off a commanding win (and earned a loud cheer from teammate Val).

Natalie channeled her anger at the opposing team for dispatching her twin into a win (despite John shouting for Val to try a choke hold).  The Jon versus John battle was epic with youth winning out over size (and giving us all a moment to enjoy John's bloody nose).  Then the heartbreaking mother-daughter battle which saw Missy give her daughter a split lip which, after three failed marriages, may not be the worst thing she ever did to Baylor, but still.  But my favorite moment was the Reed versus Josh battle, where one of Reed's blue-buffed teammates could not get his name straight and cheered for Josh.  Of all the negative stereotypes about gays, "they all look alike" is one I missed.  But more likely, it's a case of Drew (or was that Alec) not being the brightest wannabe male model out there. The battle of the old guys was impressive and the farmer Dale kept his team alive and took down the firefighter Keith.  But his daughter pulled out the win in her rematch with Jaclyn and the blue tribe won their second Immunity challenge, fourth win over all.

The yellow team - Coyopa (we're seeing so much of them I actually learned their name, woo!) - comes back, dejected again, from losing.  You'd think they'd be used to it by now.  Dale is proud of his daughter, but disappointed that her victory is sending his tribe to its second tribal council of the season.  He needn't fear.  Not only did he show himself a good competitor, but the guys have a numerical advantage in the tribe and their eyes appear to be set on one of the girls.

Val talks to John in front of their fellow tribemates, rather than taking him aside.  He admits, in front of Jaclyn's earshot, that Jeremy shared the Hidden Immunity Idol clue with him.  Then, inexplicably (and even more inexplicably after Val tries in her confessional to explicate it), she tells John she has two idols, one she found on the island, one back at camp.  She praises her amazing acting skills to us, but John is so unconvinced that he goes looking for the idol at camp and, using the additional clues of seven paces north, finds it.  Parenthetically, I thought he'd overshoot the location, because I didn't imagine anyone would have used his gigantic feet/massive stride to measure and thought his seven steps would be more like twelve for an average-sized castaway, but it was right where he started digging.  Go figure.

John puts the idol around his neck and tells us that he'd like to save it until further in the game, when the athletic types like him are targeted.  So true fans are now sure he's going to be blindsided this episode, with the idol either in his pocket or hidden back at camp.  We're even more convinced when John tells us his goal now is to save Val and his plan involves putting an enormous target on her, making sure she has at least three votes at tribal.  Under what theory of the game is telling the tribe that someone has two immunity idols a way to protect them?  John tells us he has this cockamamie idea of splitting the votes between Val and Baylor because, even though he knows he has the idol, his masterplan is to flush out an idol he had to know didn't exist and in the process betray his promise to Jeremy thereby assuring if he makes the merge, he will be Jeremy's first target. But he get to share in the dumb move of the day award with Val.  He tells Val his stupid plan and at no time does she say, that would work like gangbusters if I really did have an idol. Instead, she believes she has this all figured out.  There will be a three-three split, so if she gets Jaclyn to vote with her, Baylor goes. 

At tribal, battle lines are drawn and it's the two women - Val and Jaclyn - against the guy's alliance plus Baylor.  Val actually launched the first volley, blaming Baylor for playing both sides, but Baylor counters with the fact that she's now in the majority alliance and Val and Jaclyn are the odd ones out.  The guys, including John, are convinced that Val has an idol and stick to the vote-splitting plan and are all stunned when she doesn't play it.  Val shows that she's not great at math because even with Jaclyn's vote, there is still a 4-4 tie in the first round of voting, not 5-3 as she was hoping.  John quickly jumps off the Val train and shifts his vote to Baylor, knowing that there aren't enough votes for Val to make it.  He knows he'll have hell to pay from Jeremy but that assumes that he makes it to the merge which is still a long way off.

Val's departure was not unexpected.  She came in with a numerical disadvantage on her tribe and once Nadiya was picked off, the next least physical female looked to be in trouble.  She also was hurt by being sent to Exile Island the first day and not having had the chance to bond.  But she could have helped herself by being honest with John and helping him come up with a plan to save her.  Her early exit does help Jeremy who would be a big threat to leave otherwise - physically strong, superfan, already sent to Exile.  But it puts Jaclyn clearly in the crosshairs as the last player not in with the main alliance. 

Confessionals:
Josh (3)
Jeremy (2)
Jon (2)
Baylor
Kelley
Missy
Natalie
Dale
John

Survivor San Juan Del Sur: Blood v. Water - First Impressions, first boot

Survivor is back for its twenty-ninth season and showing no signs of slowing down.  Right out of the gate, Survivor: San Juan Del Sur Blood v. Water gave us not only the longest title in the series’ history, but an eclectic cast, new twists and enough cringe-worthy moments to be one of the best first episodes in a long time.  From bedimpled host Jeff Probst yelling at one contestant as if she needed to rescue an infant from an avalanche (“Dig, woman!") to a former The Amazing Race alumna repeatedly uttering a homophobic stereotype that would make fellow contestant John Rocker uncomfortable, there was no shortage of drama.   

The episode began with introductions and as this year the eighteen contestants were paired up, we met each couple on a “Day 0” where their goal was to make fire and not make a horrible first impression on the audience.  Some succeeded better than others.  This year’s Barbie and Ken, Jaclyn Scultz and her boyfriend Jon Misch, aka, “Don’t hate us ‘cause we’re beautiful” started out rough.  Telling us the college football hero is dating the beauty queen is not a recipe for developing rapport with the audience, and blinding us with her breasts and his abs and calling yourselves perfect failed to help their cause.  

Former MLB relief pitcher John Rocker came into the game with his own baggage, a decades-old reputation for a serious case of foot-in-mouth disease.  The hate speech-spewing former Atlanta Brave (among other teams) addressed his bad guy image and promised that he was not the bigot we heard from way back when, while his girlfriend Julie McGee addressed her ample bosom and promised that she was not the siliconed sexpot she appeared to be.  While John did a fair job chipping away at his tarnished image, all Julie accomplished was defying gravity and confounding the rules of physics by literally “standing on her own two feet” the entire episode.

It seemed like we wouldn’t get much time with Baylor Wilson and her lookalike mom Missy Payne with all the monkeys gathering overhead, but the two made it to the next day without being eaten.  Their story is that Missy is not a great judge of husbands and Baylor will forgive her because she gave her great genes.  Drew and Alec Christy are also hard to tell apart, siblings with flouncy surfer dude hair and a watered-down Vytas/Aras rivalry. We also met the farmer, Dale Wentworth, and the farmer’s daughter, Kelley, who seem conflict-free until you hear that they didn’t speak for many years.  They are hoping Survivor brings them closer together and even Russell Hantz would have to be rooting for them to accomplish that.

The next couple are Survivor superfans Reed and Josh, both Broadway performers. Hearing Josh Canfield say that boyfriend Reed Kelly once gave him flint as a present and knowing that Reed has survived being Spiderman on stage, which has proved riskier than anything the jungles of Nicaragua will throw at them, makes them my early picks to go very far.  Police officer Val Collins and her husband firefighter Jeremy also make a strong first impression, with her bossing her tall, athletic husband around while wearing her Boston Strong tee.  There is a rivalry there that should be interesting to see play out.

In the middle of the intros, I have a PTSD-style flashback to The Amazing Race where the twinnies, Nadiya and Natalie Anderson, are on my screen and sniping at each other and finishing each other’s…sandwiches…and then I remember that they are here, on my favorite Reality TV show, and I will just have to deal with it.  Until someone creates an app to remove them from whatever show they’ve managed to nag and whine their way onto.   

Next is the obligatory “why don’t we have captions for them” pair of Louisiana firefighters, father and son Keith and Wes Nale.  God love them, that is one hard accent to follow at my advanced age.  They immediately break all stereotypes of southern outdoorsy men by sucking at making a fire.  Kudos, trailblazers, break down those barriers.  I hope they go far, or at least Keith, he of the great soundbites: “You’re about as mentally strong as that rock.” 

With the initial impressions out of the way, it’s time to bring the players together and then break them off into two teams whose names we will never learn and instead default to calling them by buff color.  So we have the yellow and the blue teams meeting for the first time at Hero’s Arena, formerly the site of the Redemption Island battles.  Hallelujah, huzzah, and hurrah, there will be no Redemption Island this year and when Jeff snuffs your torch is stays snuffed.  Instead, Exile Island is back from…exile?  Having last been used in Survivor: Tocatins, it will be interesting to see how the Blood v. Water twist affects the dynamics and strategy of Exile Island.  

The first surprise of the season was the lack of duplicity.  Jeff asks the assembled players about their first night on the island and their success with the flint, and no one lied?  What show are they on?  You either lie and say you made fire, to look like an asset to your future team, or you lie about not making fire to hide your strength.  But telling people the truth, it’s like I don’t even know you people.

Once the two tribes are formed, some find it hard to separate their relationships from the game, others say bring it on.  Jeremy in particular is struggling with playing against the love of his life; his wife Val looks like she doesn’t even recognize him as the father of her two children.  Someone is in game mode! Yet it’s Jeremy who ends up trouncing Val in the first luxury duel of the season (despite Jeff's shouting at her to "dig deep, woman!"), sending her to Exile Island in the process.  He does, however, make a savvy move in sending Keith to accompany her.  An older, outdoorsy, not terribly attractive guy is always an ideal candidate for two secluded nights on an island with your wife.

Less savvy was Jeremy’s early alliance building. While alliances are the backbone of the show, you can play too hard too early and without all the information you really need, so his paternalistic approach to bringing all the women in under his protection may not prove successful in the long run.  But he certainly wins for fastest alliance as he brings Kelley, Natalie, and Missy onto his side, humbly and not at all sexistly telling us that all the girls want to hang with the prom king.  Honorable mention in this segment to the thrice-divorced Missy talking about trusting her gut instincts when it comes to men and the cameraman taping her not busting out into raucous laughter..

While the focus on the blue team is in forming bonds, the yellow team is working on their shelter and trying to start a fire.  There are three super young kids – Alec, Baylor and Wes – the late twenty-early thirties group (who would be the Geritol set on this year’s Big Brother) and one actually old person. Dale, at 62, is by far the senior member of the tribe and he’s instantly on the outs due to his age and his lack of experience hanging with large groups. But he makes a statement by breaking his reading glasses in half, stacking one lens atop the other, and using them to start a fire, moving from gramps to bad ass.

The Delusional Castaway award goes to Drew who thinks he’s recognizable because he did some modeling and who thinks his efforts at “levitating” a shelter will make him the alpha male in a tribe that boasts two firemen, a former college football star and the girlfriend of a ex-big league player.  No one is impressed with your construction skills, Spicoli.  Runner up is John Rocker who thought he could go incognito at over seven feet tall and with that John Rocker-ish face.  It takes no time at all for the Louisiana duo to recognize and out him.

After taking an instant dislike to pretty-boy Jon, I’m sucker punched with the story that his father was recently diagnosed with an incurable tumor and I now feel like the worst person ever and want only good things for him from here on out.  I should have listened to the twinnies warn about judging books by their covers, but I’ve been trained after two TARs not to listen to anything they say.  

The first immunity challenge is a combination of teamwork, strength, and smarts and ultimately the team better at figuring out the complicated puzzle comes out on top.  Nerds around the world, rejoice!  Still, it was impressive seeing the sheer determination and physicality of the losing yellow team as they grabbed and threw players up and over the obstacle like rag dolls and it is more likely that the weaker ones will still be blamed for the loss. 

Scrambling before the first visit to tribal council should involve just one strategy, the infamous "anyone but me" that brought Sandra Diaz two Survivor victories.  Your goal should be to lay low, deflect attention and find any excuse to target anyone but you.  So what does Nadiya manage to do?  She draws attention to herself and paints herself as an easy target.  There was Dale, all old and not fitting in and did I mention old and he would have been the most likely first victim.  Even Val had problems going in as she had spent days away from her tribe, potentially bonding with someone from the other team while not having the chance to build a relationship with her tribe.  

So all Nadiya had to do was keep her mouth shut...who am I kidding?  She wouldn't have been cast for a third stint on a Reality TV show if she could control her tongue.  So she starts talking, mistake number one.  But then she says that she wants to join with Josh because, as a gay man, he's just like one of the girls. She says that not once, but three separate times.  

Meanwhile, Dale has figured out that he's the low man on the totem pole so he can't just sit back and watch what happens.  He needs to give his teammates another name to consider and he just happens to stumble across the perfect person.  Nadiya.  He reminds them of her cut throat gameplay on the Amazing Race and that is enough to give the guys a reason to focus on someone.  Still, she's more physically fit than Dale and less of a liability to their game and should withstand this attack, as long as she can keep her... well, you know..

Baylor had taken Josh aside earlier in the day and told him that she wanted to vote with him in a secret side alliance.  She tells him that the girls want Dale out, he knows that the guys want to vote out Nadiya and as a Survivor superfan he knows not to give a soundbite that says as the swing vote he's in the best position because that is the last quote from you they'll use just before your blindside.  So we get to tribal and it's clearly between the old guy and the twin and it looks like it's up to Josh who will go.  

We're reminded that tribal council may be a set, but it is in an actual jungle and not the CBS lot when the usually unflappable Jeff clearly flinches at the sounds the neighborhood monkeys are making as they plan their attack. But he quickly regroups and starts grilling the tribe on their first three days.  Val feels on the outs because of her stint on Exile Island, Dale reminds everyone that he made fire, saved the day, rescued puppies, brought forth life and saved them from extinction, and Nadiya discusses how they're one big happy family.  Notice Josh wince when he hears that. 

After some prodding, Wes spills that there is a tight three guy alliance, that because of his age Dale is not it in, and that Josh has a unique position as the best liked person in the tribe.  As he goes on to describe how adept Josh is at empathizing and sympathizing, Nadiya chimes in her agreement.  But then she has to add that Josh is so good at this because he's just one of the girls.  When Jeff either 1) tries to give her an out or 2) gives her a bigger shovel so she can dig herself a deeper hole by asking her if she's saying this because Josh is gay, Nadiya says yes!  She wouldn't call any of the straight guys "girlfriend."  And John Rocker says a special prayer to the PR gods in the sky thanking them for giving him the chance not to look like the most bigoted person this season.

The castaways go vote, Jeff "tallies," and Nadiya is sent packing.  The only mystery remaining is who voted for poor Baylor?  She was on no one's radar and didn't seem to do anything wrong.  During the credits, we see that it was Josh!  Baylor had broken with the girl's alliance and voted for Nadiya (no doubt as Josh told her to), but then he switched his vote.  Next week we'll see if there's any blowback from the wonky vote, whether there was any strategy behind it, and how the alliances look after the vote.  But by far the most emotional moment will be when Natalie learns that her twinnie is gone and that they'll be apart for the longest time in their lives if she makes it to the end.  Will she want to continue without her sister, who will finish her sandwiches in her sister's absence, and will John fill the bigot vacuum?  Tune in next time for Survivor.